Collision
by Caitlynnn
Summary: Three lives collided after a certain accident. Clare was volunteering at a boarding school, Adam had reached his breaking point with the bullying, and Eli was grieving over a failed suicide pact. How could they love the killer? In someway they intercepted
1. Chapter 1

**This idea was in the back of my mind since I saw the movie. The Safety Of Objects. If you saw this, then you would know Charlotte Arnold (Holly J) was in this movie when she was really young. Another thing that inspired me to write this is the story, The Pact. **

**I'm a junior, and I'm currently looking at what I want to do for college. A few things caught my mind, as I'm choosing what to do is, Juvenile Psychology, and Psychology in general. This story is a whole lot different from my other crappy stories. I put quite a bit of research. My old sophomore teacher's husband is a sheriff. I got the chance to interview him, and a few victims. My friend, however, use to have a record, and he is currently in a boarding school, and we write each other still. He let me pick at his brain for a little. **

**Everything I write, I usually can relate to. Some things in this story, I have indeed gone through. So, you get to see a glimpse of my life. Haha.**

**Sorry for the paragraph. It needed to be said. It will be switching off between Adam, Clare, and Eli.**

**I do not own Degrassi.**

"And now we have breaking new. Take it away Jerry."

The reporter nodded as he began to speak. "Ah yes, it's about four o'clock in the morning, and if you can see behind me two cars have seemingly collided in to each other. We have no further information yet. Cops are suspecting it was underage drinking. But we do know, two students from Degrassi High, have died, and one injured. They are not giving out name yet. We'll check back later."

**Six days before**

-_**Clare**_

"Okay, do you have everything?" K.C. asked me. I nodded. "I'm pretty sure I do," I put my suitcase by my door.

"I can't believe you're going to be gone all summer." He said, taking my hand. I grimaced at him. "I know, but we can always write." I smiled at the option. He rolled his eyes. "Have you heard of email?" He laughed with no amusement.

"What's the fun in that?" I laughed walking upstairs. "It makes it more fun having to wait for the letter, then getting to read it all excited." I opened the door to my room.

My mom was with me this week, but she had to do a few errands.

"Not to mention, you're not even going to be here for our two year anniversary." I made a face. "Has it been that long?" I teased. He looked at me serious. "What? Clare you got angry at me last year for forgetting-"

I slapped his arm. "K.C. I was kidding." I laugh, pulling him into me. He kissed me briefly, but then I pulled away, looking at the brochure again.

It was a boarding school for the mentally depressed, and for the Juvies who had to decided to go to jail, or to Breaker Winds. I never committed a crime, nor at the moment depressed.

But my church had said it would be a humbling experience if I went, as a counselor for the junior high. I would be working behind the scenes, and briefly meeting those with special needs. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. All I know, a lot can happen here.

I mentally prepared myself for what was coming.

"Okay, so we packed, and we got your snacks. What else is there to do?" K.C. pulled out my list. I looked at it briefly. "I think I got it." I took the list and threw it in the trash.

I pulled him to my bed, and smiled as he leaned in.

_**-Adam**_

"Adam, we called your mom," I nodded at the nurse. This was the fourth fight I had been involved in. I was tired of constantly being picked on. I'm sorry I can't be a girl like everyone wants me to be.

I am who I am. There is no changing that. I went to the washroom and brought my equipment with me. The nurse wouldn't check on me here would she?

I hadn't done this in a while. I promised I would stop. But I can't. The pain is easier. I can handle this pain. I'm in control. If I cant control my life, then I can control this.

I went into a stall. I waited till the last guy finished. I closed the door and sat on the toilet. I had my lighter. I rolled my sleeve up. I was going to put it up more my sleeve so my mom doesn't see. She would send me away if she saw this.

I had enough scars crawling up my sleeves. They were like snakes.

I had a paperclip. That was going to have to work for now. I thought of how stupid this was. Using all I had just to give me a little pain.

I lit the paper clip, and I found a non-marked place on my arm. I pressed it. Feeling the burn. "Ahh, crap…" I took it off, rubbing the mark. It stung. I lit it again, and decided to do It on my wrist. On the pulse.

I slowly pressed it on there. And I left it there. I started to get woozy. The washroom was spinning. I was getting nauseated. I didn't know how, but I ended up on the ground.

I felt the cold, dirty ground. Trying to slow down my breathing. It felt like I was having a heart attack.

"Adam?" I heard someone afar off say. My mind felt disconnected. I could hear them, but I couldn't respond.

I tried getting up, but my heart was pounding. Pounding so hard I couldn't hear anyone. I closed my eyes as I drifted…

**Later**

I woke up lying on my bed. The sun was there no longer. I got up, and looked at the time. I went downstairs. My mom was sitting on the couch with dad.

He looked up at me, and nodded to my mom. "Adam." She said stern. She was always like that. A cold hearted bitch. But she meant well, I suppose. I was at least trying to convince myself that.

"You're grounded for self harming yourself." I looked at them confused. "Excuse me?" I asked. They looked at me like I was dumb. "No video games, no friends. Nothing."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, cause I have a lot of friends…" I went back upstairs and into the washroom to puke. I had this big lump in throat, and a big bag of guilt in my stomach.

It felt like no one was going to understand me. No one ever would.

I went into Draw's bedroom. It was the only possible way. No one understood me.

Everyday I was continuously picked on, or get thrown in the dumpster. At first, I would ignore it. But when they started writing fag on my locker, that's where the line started to form.

I would wake up everyday having the feeling of unworthy, a mess up, and a screw up. I would start to think about my freaking conception. How many kids is an accident? I was for sure one. Drew always got the attention.

He was better looking, and he had one thing I wanted. To be a guy. He never had to deal with what I had to deal with. He never had to everyday wrap himself up like I did. He never had to deal with the monthly visitors, or go through the same emotions I go through.

I shook my head as I grabbed his small revolver. I didn't care if this plan was well thought out or not, I didn't care.

I went back to my room, sitting in the middle of the floor, staring at the gun. What am I suppose to do? Should I make a note? Or would that not be worth it? Either way all of them would feel guilty.

My breath quickened, as I brought up to my head. It was like in the movies, although I'm sure none of them pissed their pants.

I wanted to scream, when I tried. I didn't hear my scream. I heard my moms.

_**-Eli**_

"Eli Goldsworthy, take a seat." I sat.

"Do you know why you're here?" I nodded.

"To talk about the death of Julia…Schultz." I nodded again.

"You said in a statement back that you were committing a pact?" I nod.

"You know, you can talk Mr. Goldsworthy." She took off her glasses.

"Okay." Was all I said. I'm sure she studied my body language. I know some psychologist did that.

"Why?" She asked, her notebook in hand.

I coughed. "To make a confession."

"You do realize you are convicted of two crimes?" She asked. I nodded again. "Lucky for you, we don't have enough evidents to prove you guilty for anything. Yet."

I sighed. "Can I go now?" I asked her. She nodded.

I got up from the glass room. They gave me back my phone and my jacket. I pulled my jacket on and went outside.

The thoughts of what happened filled my mind. She wanted to do it…She needed to do it…I couldn't…

I shook the memory. Not until tonight. I wouldn't think about it until tonight.

When I got home, I grabbed a beer from the fridge and opened it. I didn't chug it. Last time I did that, I threw it up.

I waited a second, then burped. And I felt better. The second of feeling bloated was better, more durable.

"Oh, thanks," Bullfrog said, taking my bottle from my hands. I just shrugged. "That was mine, but go ahead, drink it up." I rolled my eyes.

"Well, if you insist." He said, gulping the remains of it. I stared at him. How does he do it? I can't even do that.

"You shouldn't be drinking anyway." He says throwing the bottle away, turning over to the fridge. When he isn't looking, I go over and grab it from the trash, and take with me to my room.

I got the letter from my back pocket, opened it, and reread it. I felt a tear run down my eyes. Damn this!

I sunk to the floor, and curled up into a ball. This was the one way I knew from not breaking. I wanted to break so badly. It was like trying to stand on a thin wire, knowing your weight is too much for it. Yet, it still stays strong.

And you don't even know why it does. That's how I felt. I felt like I was straddling a thin wire, looking down, waiting, and flirting with the idea of actually falling.

But I couldn't make myself do it. And now, I am not yet, but soon most likely guilty.

The night was coming back. I touched my chest. I looked at the wound, and how identical it was to Julia's heart.

When I closed my eyes, I could remember the gunshot. And she fell lifeless in my body…

And everyone near heard it. They heard the gunshots.

**I hope that makes sense. Basically, they are all going to collide. (Eli, Clare, and Adam) And yes, there will be Eclare, but in later chapters. And quite possibly, Fadam. **

**Anyways, I don't know if I should keep going…so Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay second chapter. Thanks for the reviews! Wow, I had a chat today with my mother, seeing that she works with people like this everyday, and let me tell you, it was an emotional journey…I would love to try to get all the layers of depression, and love in here, but I have no idea if I can achieve that. I will do my best. **

**Reviews are much appreciated. And, Adam and Clare arrive at this boarding school around the same time. Eli does not. Major factor in this story. And there's more to Adam than it seems…**

**I do not own Degrassi. **

_**-Clare**_

I stepped off of the plane, and walked over to the place to get my luggage. I didn't have much. Although I was going to be there for three months. It didn't require a whole bunch. They had everything planned out.

I saw the sign with my name on it. A man in his early thirties greeted me with a warm smile, extending his hand.

"Clare Edwards right?" He said. I nodded, putting my hand bag down, taking his hand and shaking it. "And you are…?" I asked. He answered with a sigh, "Sorry, Jeremiah Field."

He took the sign and threw it in the trash as he took me to the car.

"I'm just warning you now, the kids are…not all that nice. We have a range of thirty kids who have tried to commit suicide in the boarding school. Every quarter we have one who thinks they can run away. They'll say anything to get by you."

I nodded as I strapped myself in. The United States was different than Canada. It was sunnier. That was for sure. I really liked the sun, but I would miss Toronto's cold air.

He was still talking. "But you'll have your own dorm, right by the girls dorms. Normally, you'll have to get up at six. But since it is summer, we bend the rules a little and start everything at nine. So you can sleep in until eight." I nodded again.

"Do you have any friends back at home? Because we do have a computer lounge for volunteers such as yourself." I thought of K.C. and how he wanted to email instead of sending letters. I would do both.

"How about long distance calling?" I asked him. His eyes lit up. "Is there a boy in mind?" God, he was loud. "And my parents…" Not like I could call Darcy.

"Yes, we do have long distance phones. The kids don't get the privilege. The idea of the boarding school is for them to get to miss what they could have had back home. Although we do have things for them to do. But they most likely will be doing things to help them get over their problems so they can go home."

I sighed as I soaked all this in. "Sounds great." I said with a smile.

**Later**

"All settle?" Cora, my mother's friend asked. I nodded to her. "All settle. Do you think I can use the phone?" I asked her. She shook her hand and laughed. "Kids these days."

I laughed a little. I was a little nervous about calling K.C. thinking he might have forgotten me. I hoped he missed me. I wanted him to miss me. I wondered if he could stay here. But I shook my head.

I didn't need him. But we have been together for two years; I figured we should try to do something for our anniversary.

The past almost two years have been eventful. I had accused him twice for cheating on me, but they weren't true…. I had been the only one for him. At least that's what he told me.

He was good at lying, otherwise. I didn't want to think about it. Because what type of couple are you if you haven't had a fight? That's what I thought about. If we could make it through that we could make it through everything.

At least that is what I'm trying to tell myself…

_**-Adam**_

"Why?"

That was the question I had been hearing a lot lately.

"Adam, talk to me. This is very important?"

"Adam, just tell them." Drew sneered. I shot him a look. He nodded for me to go on.

I knew if I said something, they would send me away. "Just tell them or I will!"

I looked down, I couldn't tell them what happened. They could never know what happened to me.

My mother shook her head and got up. My dad just stared at me. He didn't say anything. "Just tell them about the other thing then." Drew whispered.

"You want to know the truth?" Half of it at least. They nodded at me. My moms phone was in her hand, and the brochure for Breaker Winds.

"I got in a fight." I said, shrugging. I showed them my scar on my ribs. My mom touched it. I winced in the pain. It was still tender. "We are sending you to this. I already made the arrangements the day I found you with the gun…" My mother said, handing me the brochure.

I stared at it for a long time. "When do I leave?" I asked. She sighed a bit. Clearly not wanting to tell me this part. "Tomorrow."

I got up and went to my room. "Drew follow him," I heard my dad say. I rolled my eyes.

"Great, now I have a shadow."

"Get over it Adam. It's just tonight."

I pulled a suitcase out of the closet and started putting clothes in there. "Why didn't you tell mom and dad about all that happened?"

I remember. I close my eyes as I bring back the painful memory.

_He was so close to doing it…_

"They don't need to know." I said coldly. I put my wraps in my suitcase. "This is shit. I'm not going to blend in with the guys there."

"Dude, this is just a nicer form of a nut house." Great. "I'm pretty sure you'll fit in fine."

I hated being labeled crazy. I'm sure once in a teen's life, they think about suicide. Given all the crap we have to go through.

_He was so close to putting it in…_

I hit my hand on my desk. "What?" Drew asked. "Just the memory." I tried clearing my head but it wouldn't work.

"Do you need help packing?" He said eyeing the sports bra I just put in there. I closed my suitcase, quickly. "Can you pack my hygiene's?" I asked him sighing. He nodded.

"Try not to kill yourself." I looked at him. "Damnit I'm sorry," I shook my head. "Just get my hygiene's."

I lifted up my sleeve and looked at my flustered skin. I knew they would probably check my bags for anything sharp or anything to let me burn myself.

I would have to find a way to hide this stuff…

My mom walks in. "You and I need to talk."

I sat down on the edge of the bed. "Shoot." She cringed. "Wow mom, really."

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" I know why. I know exactly why. No one needed to know. Drew was the only one I trusted. Oh God. What if he told while I was gone?

"I told you, the bullying." I shook my head. How hard is that to understand?

"There's more than just they bullying, isn't there?" She asked. I shrugged. "Make of it what you will." I looked down at my floor.

She patted my knee as she got up. My mother was never good at showing human emotion. I always wondered what my father saw in her. I mean I loved her. But she wasn't MY mom that gave me birth.

I did miss my mom though. She passed away. No one liked to talk about it. Can't talk ill of the dead. My mom did know my other mom. They were okay friends I guess.

I can't remember my birth mom other than she wanted me to strive to my full potential. I don't even know what it is…Certainly not this.

It was around twelve o'clock in the a.m. mostly everyone was asleep. I lay in bed thinking about everything.

It was still in my mind.

"_Everyone has a secret. This one is ours. You hear me?" And then he closed in on me._

_**-Eli**_

She slammed the two books on the table. I leaned back in my chair.

"Come on Eli. You can tell me what happened that night. You have two testimonies. Both are a little different from the other. Which one is it?"

I leaned back more. "I didn't kill my girlfriend. I told you everything you need to know. Slamming your books to make this even more melodramatic isn't helping…" I sighed and rolled my eyes.

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "You may leave. Legally, I can't do anything until further notice." I smiled briefly. "Good." I said as I grabbed my jacket.

"Take this," She said handing me a brochure.

"What is it?" I asked looking at it.

She walks over to me. "For the time being, your parents and I discussed putting you in this program until we get further evidence. Eli, you're convicted of manslaughter."

The word sounded a little harsh, I cringed a little at the word. "Ah, finally. I made you shake."

"No, it's not that. Damn, did you brush your teeth?" I poked. She rolled her eyes. "How the hell did I get into this case…?" She backed away shaking her head.

I drove home in the normal haze. They couldn't do anything to me yet. Not enough evidence. It's really easy. We were both depressed, planned a suicide pact. She died. I didn't…

_But there's always more to the story._ I could hear Julia say. I nodded to nothing. My testimony kept on changing. I knew that. I left them with half the story.

Julia Schultz was dead, and I'm behind it. _Did you kill me? _

We know this answer.

When I got home, my mother greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. I handed her the brochure. "You leave in four days."

I shook my head. "I feel it's a little bit fucked up that we didn't talk about this."

"You think that's fucked up? Eli, you're convicted for manslaughter!" My dad yelled. "I told you everything!" I shot back. "Really, so what is this I hear about the two testimonies!"?

_There's always more to the story._

"Think of it what you will, I'm innocent."

I grab some things from my room.

I see her jacket. I touch. Remembering her skin against mine. Her kisses, her touch. How whenever she touched me, I felt…alive. _Don't you dare forget._

I shivered. I needed to get out of this house tonight.

_Her hands were shaking. "Stop," I told her taking the gun from her grasp. "I can't." She swallowed hard. I put the gun to the side, and held her. " I'm not backing out." She sobbed._

_I closed my eyes, as I knew there really was no way out of this. No way out of this… "Touch me," She said. I looked at her. Shocked. "What?" I asked, making sure I heard her correct._

"_I want this, before I die." I gulped…. "Before we die." I said as I pulled off her shirt. _

Everyone has a secret. This one is ours.

**Review! It would make my day…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for the reviews! I noticed some of the questions. Are Clare and Eli going to fall in love? Yes. Clare isn't necessarily a teacher. She's volunteering to help Junior High. She's like…a peer counselor. And do Clare and Adam and Eli go to Degrassi? Clare and Adam do. But they haven't crossed paths. (More on that later.) Eli goes to the school her originally went to. And the Adam situation? I don't want to give it away. There's a couple things to his situation. (Again more on that later) I'll just tell you this: It happens more often than you think. **

**Because I noticed how Eli and Adam have secrets, Clare does too. She just masks it really well…I had this whole story planned out. (For the most part. Haha.) **

**Okay, I'm about to get into some crime. I did research all last night, and earlier today. I talked to my teacher's husband today, and my father and mother about Eli's situation. I never let them read any of my writing. But I had to show my dad the outlining of this so he could help me with Eli's case. (His is a lot more difficult.) Anyways. **

**Reviews are great. I would love to know what you guys think on this story…**

**I do not own Degrassi.**

_**-Clare**_

I woke up in a haze. It was a long night. The past two years, K.C. practically lived at my house since my parents didn't care enough to check up on me. Without him there with me, was a little weird.

I wrote him an email since he didn't pick up the phone. He was probably busy.

"Clare," I heard a knock on my door, I walked over and opened it. Jeremiah looked like he was in a hurry. "Do you think you can deliver these coffee's? There's a fight in the hall of the guys dorm." I took them quickly. He quickly turned back and smiled as he ran.

I took them and walked around the huge boarding school delivering the coffee. Kind of ridiculous. I was more of a tea person.

It would keep me up for hours. When I finished I reported to Cora at the office. I waited in there until she gave me further instructions. I'm sure they had something for me to do.

"Okay, so you're in room C. You'll be talking to Samantha." She winced a little. "She's a little elusive. Have you gone through the rules?" I nodded. "Don't say more than needed. Try not to pry. Have an open mind to their situation. Above all, don't give up on them."

She nods with a smile. I took the form and walked over to the room, and sat down. There were desks all piled up in the back of the room. And they had a couch in the middle.

A few minutes later, a girl came in, and her "shadow" left. She had brown hair, green eyes, and a small body. When she saw me, she rolled her eyes.

Well, this is a great start…. "You're Samantha." I smiled. "Sam. My name is Sam." She corrected. I nodded. "Sorry, Sam. How are you feeling this morning?"

She shrugged, "Fine." She pulled down her sleeves. "So, do you know why you're here?" I asked her lightly. "WOW. You must be new." She looked down. "And to answer your question, because I'm messed up." She laughed.

"How old are you?" She asked. "I'm sixteen.'

She nodded, staring at the ground. I coughed a little. "On this information form, it says you use to cut."

She rolled her eyes, as she pulled up her sleeves, showing me. Her arms were sickly pale. You could see everything.

"Would you like to talk about them?" She shook her head. "I don't talk about it with stranger. Or anyone."

I extended my hand to her. "Clare Edwards." She snorted. "We're still strangers. Can I leave now?" She got up. "We have thirty minutes left. You'll have to stay."

She sat down discouraged. "I hate it here…" She mumbled. "I hate being here. I just want to go home." A tear rolled down her cheek. "Well, it is only the summer. Not like a whole year. You just have to get better." I told her, in a soft voice.

"I've been here since fifth grade, and I'm in eighth." Could they even keep a person that long?

"Why is that?" She looked down at the ground again, crossing her arms. She's hiding something. But then again, aren't we all….

She wasn't going to say anything more till the session was over.

**Later**

After the session, I got up and left with a heavy heart. People had it a lot worse than me.

_He threw a straightener at her. _

I kept on walking to the lounge. I sat there on the couch.

_There type of love was fist and grabbing of wrists. _

I looked at all my other forms. They ranged between depressed, manic depressed, bipolar, schizo, to cutters, to eating disorders, anxiety, burners, pulling out hair, nail biting, skin biting. There was much more on the list.

If I thought Samantha was heart breaking, then think of all the others.

"_It only hurts the first time. You'll like it I promise." My breath was hiking up. "Just relax." Pressured. _

I got up and checked my email. Nothing. I emailed my mom, telling her that I missed her. I tried going on Facerange, but no one was doing anything interesting other than sleeping in, going to the beach, slumber parties.

I guess, I could email Alli. I wanted her to do this with me, but she was too infatuated with the boy of the week.

I read some of the testimonies from some students.

Being raped, molested, abused, pressured.

Pressured.

_**-Adam**_

"Adam. Freaking. Torres." I mumbled. Every leader here was calling me Gracie. If I wanted to be called Gracie, then that's a different story.

"Here's your dorm. Your shadow will be here in a few days. For now, you have this double dorm to yourself. We'll be having someone sleeping here with you soon…" Great. "Due to your…."

Transgender. I raised my hands in defense. "Don't worry, I get it. Most guys would be uncomfortable with me being a transgender." I nodded.

"Oh, we'll take your bag. We have to check it." The guy, Jeremiah, said. He was nice. For the most part. He kind of had a creepy edge to him. But nice overall.

"That's fine." I sighed. No self harming for me. How will I survive. It was like the pain made me happy, regulated me.

"We need to discuss some things here after dinner." Jeremiah said, opening my bag. "The rules," He said with a smile. I nodded. I just wished he would shut-up. Everyone was irritating me.

"_You can't tell anyone." _

"But for now, you can go in the game room. Whoa, kids can have fun? What a concept. "Where is that?" He showed me on the map. "Right by the bathrooms." I noticed that I was nowhere near the guy dorms, nor the girl.

"Why are the bathrooms so far away?" I asked him. "Uh," He said. I looked at the sign on my dorm room. "Special needs?" I said. He winced at me. "Your mothers request." Of course. I sat down, sighing. My mom I swear.

"Can I call here?" I asked. He shook his head. "No can do kid." Shit.

_You piece of shit, shut up. _

I dug my nails into my palm. I was getting angry. I knew if I wanted, I could punch someone, and have somewhat of an affect on them.

He finished rummaging through my bag. "So far so good." He smiled at me. "So, the rules, we'll discuss them after dinner, at the theater room." He reminded.

"Okay, thanks." I sighed, putting my head in my hands. I ran my hands through my hair.

"_You're a special kid, aren't you?" _

I don't want to be alone.

I got up from my bed, and I walked out the door. No shadow. I walked around the guys dorm. There were numerous adults in every corner, taking kids from room to room.

I walked backwards, trying to get a better view of the picture in the foyer.

"Whoa," I heard a voice. I bumped into a girl. I extended my hand out to her. "Sorry about that, I wasn't paying attention."

This girl had piercing blue eyes. "No, it's okay." She smiled. "Adam Torres,"

She nodded. "Clare Edwards. Dinner is ready." She said touching my shoulder. I moved away from her touch. She raised her hand in defense. She pointed the way to the dinning area.

I looked back at her. First normal human contact.

"_Good thing is, we're in the same boat." His scraped hands covered my mouth._

_**-Eli**_

"Okay, one last time. State your testimony."

I sighed, and rolled my eyes. "Julia and I, April twenty-second, at three am in the morning went to the abandoned carnival area, to kill ourselves."

The cop sat down, and pushed the gun towards me. "It was this specific gun?" I nodded. I looked at my lawyer. "What else is there to say?" I asked her.

"Now, did you have your hands on the gun." She asked me. I nodded. "How?" She asked. I kept quiet.

"I need some air." I said. "Jesus Christ, Eli." Jen, as I call her, threw her folder on the table. Detective Jen followed me out the door.

I sat outside, smoking. I only did this when my pills weren't available.

"Since we're on a break. How much trouble would I be in if I stated everything?" I asked her. She sighed. "Depends if you tell the truth. You could be on probation. Two-five years in prison. Depends." She said.

I sighed at the thought. Juvie. That's what I needed on my damn record. "What about this Breaker Winds thing?" I asked pulling out the brochure. She grimaced. "I took my son to that." She said. "Oh yeah." I said.

"We were thinking, sending you to this. In a few days. Once you give us your testimony." She eyed me.

"You want to hear it?" I said almost enraged. "Here it is." I said, huffing. "My girlfriend and I went to the abandoned carnival area outside of Toronto to kill ourselves. She died, I lived." I sneered. "Your fingerprints were on the gun. How do we know she wanted to kill herself?"

I sighed.

_Just tell them. _

"Eli, did you know she was pregnant?"

I looked down. "No." I told her coldly as I threw my cigarette on the ground as I head inside.

I sat back down in my seat. The detective walked in moments after. My lawyer, was sitting there still. "Did you say anything to her?" I shook my head. "I told her the old stuff."

"Okay Mr. Goldsworthy. Where did you get the gun?" I looked down at it.

_Pregnant._

Julia needed a better excuse to kill herself.

_Things I never said._

"From my dad's closet."

"Was there any anger that night?"

I shook my head. "I had fully intended of stopping her. God, how many times have I had to repeat myself."

My lawyer put her hand on my forearm. "Relax."

"Detective Jen, are you saying he did shoot her?"

"I am not saying he shot her. I am asking him a simple question. He's being elusive, so it gets me to think about possible theories." I laughed with no humor.

"I'm really not that complex of a guy." My lawyer pinched my arm. "Ouch lady." I said rubbing it. "I told you earlier not to talk." I rolled my eyes. "I just was trying to have a rational response. And now I'm getting pinched by my own lawyer…"

I tried making a joke. But these girls do not joke around.

"_I want you to do it for me." She shoved the gun to me. "What? No, God no." I shook my head. I threw the gun and puller her on top of me. "If you love me, you'll do it." She said, a tear falling on my cheek. _

"_I do love you. That's why I can't do it." I was shaking. My whole body didn't know how to process all this mixed emotion I was feeling._

"You may leave."

I got up and went back to my car and I sped home. My parents were working. I had gotten a beer out of the fridge and opened it up.

I went upstairs to my room. I unlocked the door, and found my pills. Do not drive while taking them.

I took some pills and swallowed all four of them, and then I gulped it down with the beer. They were my anxiety pills. The side affects tweaked me out a bit.

"_I want you to do it for me." _

I got in my car again. If I was going to mope in misery, I should at least do it at the perfect setting. It was a little difficult to get to the car. I wobbled, trying to keep my balance. I had to squint to see.

When I started the car, I opened another beer up. It was starting to get foggy.

I drove down the freeway, trying not to hit anyone. I was so tired. Damnit. Keep your eyes open.

I managed to make it to the place where Julia died in one piece, while Julia was scattered everywhere

"_I want my brain to explode."_

I got in the back of Morty, I curled up into ball, and slept.

When I did get up it was about three-forty.

My head was fuzzy still. The side affects were still there. I finished up the rest of the beer, I managed to pull out safely. The highway. No one was up. Only the late partiers.

My eyes were still droopy.

"_I want you to kill me."_

**Review! Much appreciated.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay I have some questions.**

**Are Clare and Adam going to be friends? Yes.**

**And is this still in the six days as I put in the beginning? Yes. **

**(This will be cleared up in this chapter.)**

**Okay, and I was wondering of putting Fiona in here. I don't know if I should. Yes? No? **

**Okay, so later in this story, there is going to be a break called [3:30] I hope you get what it means. If you don't it's a break from the Eli, Adam, Clare narration, and its where Eli detective and the cops discussing his situation. Okay? **

**I'm sorry if I'm not labeling. I thought I was labeling. Anyways, the order goes, Clare, Adam, Eli. And I do label them (-Clare) Just making sure that was clear.**

**Reviews are great. **

**I do not own Degrassi. **

_**-Clare [Present Day]**_

"So, how's the school?" I sighed as I began to answer K.C. "It's okay. Kind of depressing…" I mumbled.

Something in the background fell. I heard someone yell. "Oh, damnit Drew." K.C. mumbled. "Something wrong?" I laughed a little.

"Drew just dropped the ice." I can imagine K.C. rolling his eyes.

"Oh. Haha. What's the ice for?" I asked, a bit intrigues. "Oh, a party." He laughed, a little nervous.

"Oh, with who?" My stomach turned. Last time we were at a party, it didn't turn out too well.

I never got drunk or high, I mostly sat in the background, and watched all the teenagers around me get wasted, and wondered why they did it. To a certain degree, I can understand. But it just wasn't my thing.

"_Just do it once." I shook my head. "No." My breathing heavy._

"So, what's the occasion?" I asked when he didn't answer. "Oh, Jenna's birthday." He perked up. I didn't hate her. Hate was a strong word. I definitely didn't like her.

She was like a Barbie doll. But with less plastic, and more spray.

"Oh," I whispered into the phone. I moved a little on the couch. "Yeah, I'm really excited." My heart was aching. I wanted to be there with him. "How long is this party?" I tried not to ask. But I couldn't help it.

"Probably until sun comes up."

"_You slut."_

"Oh." I say again. He didn't ever consider my feelings.

I understood K.C. though. Especially considering his mom and dad. You would think that they would be a red flag for him not to do it. But since when did K.C. listen to anyone…

_Just give in._

"Well, I have to go. I hope tomorrow is better for you, Clare. Goodnight." He said.

"I love you." I whispered. From the other line, all I could hear was his breathing.

_**-Adam**_

I sat in the theater for what seemed like freaking hours. My ass was sore from sitting that long just listening to the rules. I needed to get out of here.

I knew if I tried to make an escape, my ass would get driven back here.

One good thing here is the food. I loved the food. So far so good in that area. I cant say the same things about the guys. They're all perverted, even more than Drew and K.C. combined.

I cringed at the thought. If I sat by the girls. I figured it would be a dead give away. I didn't need to be beat up here.

_Because you're so easy._

My hands balled up into fists. My pulse was beating. I looked at my scars. The one on my vein. Where I tried to kill myself. I loved scars. The scars somewhat heal without leaving. Without forgetting. I liked to remember how I got them, and why.

I have no idea, it just seemed peaceful.

The guy next to me fell asleep. I rolled my eyes, punching his arm. The adult shadows punished the kids who didn't listen. I thought that was a little weird. We come here to learn not to punish ourselves…I hated places that contradicted itself. What was the point?

"Okay, bed time in eleven minutes!" Finally. We're done. I quickly went into my private handicapped room. I grabbed the stuff I need and when into the guys restroom to change.

I had brought all my Dead Hand shirts I had. My mom threatened to throw it out due to my self inflicting.

"_This'll hurt just a little." He said. The flame touching my private spot._

I looked in the mirror and saw a quick reflection of Gracie.

"_Keep quiet."_

I left once I finished. Jeremiah caught up with me and told me that the first thing in the morning was group therapy. Joy.

I got into bed. Thinking about today. I just wanted to go home.

"_Hush little baby don't you cry. Daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby."_

_**[3:30 Downtown Toronto Police Department."**_

Detective Jen poured herself another round of coffee as officer Aspen sat in the break room with the rest of the cops.

The lighting was dim on the break room, and her thoughts were incoherent. Officer Aspen was tired. All of the officers were.

"Long night." Detective Jen said, pulling out a chair as she sat down on it. "Or early." Officer Dan said. "Depends how you look at it." Jen said, taking a sip.

Aspen finished her report and put it aside. She rubbed her eyes and yawned. "Hand me that, will you?" She pointed to the stack of written testimonies. She had to keep moving.

Detective Jen passed it to her. Aspen looked at all of the. But only one caught her interest. "Eli Goldsworthy." She whispered.

She remembered taking him into custody for twenty-fours hours April twenty-second, after he blacked out.

"I'm currently working on this case." Detective Jen said. "Sounds interesting." Hell, from what Aspen could remember, that whole night was interesting. She remembered the boy to be very sarcastic, and a pain in the ass. She thought he would never shut up.

"Is he charged already?"

"Negative," Detective Jen sighed. Dan looked over Aspen's shoulder. He just walked in. "Oh, that's Bullfrog's son." He grunted. "Bullfrog?" Jen asked, intrigued.

"Yeah, on the radio. Weird family. But Bullfrog loves that kid to death."

Jen looked at Dan. "How do you know them?"

Dan sat down. "Remember when the carnival came around in the summer? Well, him and his wife, CeCe, were DJing for it. I remember his son, Eli, there. Sometimes the kid ran the booth with uh-" He tried to remember.

A picture fell out of the folder. "Oh, with that girl." He picked it up. That picture was from Eli's wallet.

Officer Dan read on. "Suicide pact, huh."

Detective Jen sighed. "That's what he's claiming. His fingerprints were on the good though."

Officer Aspen radio was off, she turned it on. The scanner went off. They listened to it for a while.

Chief Grayson came in out of breath. "There's been an accident." He said.

All three officers and detective all gut up and left in a hurry.

_**-Eli [3:30]**_

_No matter how many times you run away from the truth, it always has a way of coming back and haunt you._

It was three thirty, I went back to the abandoned carnival. I don't know why I did this to myself.

I know CeCe tried talking to me. I knew I should have told her, but she wouldn't understand.

My head was screaming from the hangover that lasted from last night to right now. It probably didn't help that I was already drinking. Thanks to the fake ID. The alcohol taste was coated all over my mouth.

"Gross." I started the car, with my foot on the break. I didn't want to move. Looking at all the crusted over rides was king of eerie.

_Her hands formed around it. I needed to stop her._

I began to pull out, as I opened another beet and chugged it. I burped, and then I laughed like an idiot.

My anger was boiling. I drank more, and more. Just to stop the pain. I'm tired of feeling this. I'm tired of trying to fill up this void that will never be filled.

_Because at that moment, when you look at the one you love, everything changes. You would do anything for her. No matter how fucked up, no matter how broken they are. No matter how broken you are. No matter if they treated you like crap, it didn't matter. _

I turned on the freeway, and noticed sleepless roads. I started to see shapes. And I thought I was losing my fucking mind. It didn't matter if I was. Maybe it was for the better.

Most of what I have been feeling, was like, I was some kind of puppet, and people were my strings. Holding me up, when I was too heavy for them. Julia was dead. I was still not over that.

I'm hoarding her guilt in my heart, because If I let her go. I would be losing me. There is a difference between someone you knew, and someone you loved…

I let my foot sleep on the gas. Because no good thing last for me.

_For the first time, in a long time, I finally understood what Julia meant. _

"_Ready?" She asked me, handing me the gun. She scooted closer to me. _

I saw something from the distance. Fuck no. It was a car. It was too. We collided.

_One. Two…Three. _

**Review! (don't worry, the story isn't done yet. I have a lot more planned. And this whole chapter is present time f you didn't catch that) R&R!**


	5. Chapter 5

**It looks like I'm adding Fadam! Okay, here's the next chapter. It might be linger for me to update because I have to do more research for things to come. So, in saying that here's the next part.**

**Reviews are great.**

**I do not own Degrassi.**

**[Toronto Police Department.]**

She had never worked on a case like this before. This was unbelievable.

She sat down on her couch, not thinking about the case, or this boy, Eli. She cleared her thoughts so she wouldn't make too quick of a judgment on the kid. She opened up her eyes again, and looked at his folder.

Last night, she had gone to the crash, she noticed the hearse. It was Eli. She ran to his car. He was intoxicated, a bit bloody, but no injuries besides a busted up leg. It wasn't broken, but at the borderline of a break.

Eli Goldsworthy due to his actions killed two people from Degrassi. She did not there last names. Although she did know their first. K.C. and Drew.

They died instantly.

Her phone buzzed, she knew the number.

"Detective Jen speaking." She sighed. "He was definitely intoxicated on a mix of drugs and alcohol."

"Were they prescribed drugs?" She asked. The man behind the phone sighed, "Yes, anti depressants, with some anxiety pills." She nodded, jotting this down on her paper.

"So, his parents are there with him?" She asked. Detective Jen met up with his parents when he was in the hospital. They all had a mutual feeling of hate towards another.

The last time they talked Detective Jen nearly got in a fight with his dad. She could see that he got that stubborn side from him.

She had no idea why. Jen had thirty years of practice. Perhaps it was because she never worked on this type of case. Or it was the boy that simply crawled up her skin. Though she would never show it.

"Are you coming down here?" He asked. Jen grabbed her coat. "I'm coming as we speak." Detective Jen said goodbye to some of the policemen on break. She got in her car and headed to the hospital.

She was thinking about what this situation would be. Vehicular Manslaughter? Or DUI? She took hi folder and looked at it again as she waited for the green light. It was his first. So far the most they could do was put him on probation.

She pulled in the parking lot. She went up to the front office. "Goldsworthy." She said. "Uh, we're not having any visitors." Detective Jen pulled out her badge. The lady at the desk nodded.

He was put in the psychiatric ward. It wasn't on purpose. He was suppose to go to ICU. But they didn't have enough room. The irony. She thought.

When she walked in, he was fully dressed in his black attire. "You're not going anywhere." She spoke. He was going to try to runaway.

He smirked. "Damn, you caught me." He put his hands in the air as if he was going to be arrested. Jen had to control her anger.

"What happened? No one is telling me anything." Eli asked. "You killed two people." Eli stared at her. Dumbfounded.

That was the first time Detective Jen stumped Eli Goldsworthy.

_**-Clare**_

I woke up and got changed and went to the cafeteria to get some breakfast. Cora was on the phone when I sat next to her. She kept gasping and I had no idea why.

I just would eat. She would occasionally look at me, and try to smile. I had to stick to my schedule though. I needed to go to the classroom. I had to talk to Sam. She was my first person I see.

I walked over to the room, her and her shadow were already there. I smiled at her and her shadow. I unlocked the door. "Sorry, I woke up late. How was your sleep?" I asked her as we got in.

She sat down on the couch. I took my notepad and looked at my notes I thought about that I wanted to ask her.

"It was okay." She whispered. "Did you like the breakfast? I thought it was really good." I laughed. She shrugged. "Yeah, I guess." Ah, the cold shoulder.

"You don't like me," I mused. She shrugged. "I don't like anybody."

I thought back to ninth grade. When I first met all my friends I have today. And K.C. I thought he was cute. Although at that time I was repulsed by the idea of a guy being attractive. I knew I had those feelings, but they were so strong.

All I wanted him to do was to touch me. Especially after our first kiss. I was tempted to try the vibrator, too. But, things changed.

"I'm sure you liked someone in your past." I said lightly.

"_I'll be gentle."_

"They've all died." She says, bluntly. "I'm so sorry to hear about that." I said. "My Aunt died when I was seven….One of the worst things you have to face is death."

She laughs. "I would say it's peaceful."

"Why do you think so?"

"Because, we're all waiting for something. And that something is to die." She says, crossing her arms. "What about a family?" I add. She shakes her head. "I'm going to die anyways. So what's the point of having one, and getting close to one if at any point, you can lose them."

"I'm sure you want to be loved by a boy." I told her. She shrugs. "Last time I let a boy love me, he pushed his penis into me and told me he'd be gentle. That man that showed me love was my father."

"_Geez Clare, calm down. You wanted this remember? I promise, I'll be gentle." _

I take in a big breath of air. "Yeah, I know. Speechless. I get that a lot."

"Didn't you report him?"

She shook her head. "He died."

"Do you want to tell me how?" I asked her. She shook her head.

An hour later, our discussion was over and she left. I was packing up my stuff. Then the door opened. I was hoping it was Sam, but it was another girl. "I'm guessing this isn't a dorm." The girl said. She tossed her curls a bit.

"No, but I can show you them." The girl was very petite looking, small, and very pretty. "My name is Fiona." She offered her hand. "Clare." I said smiling.

I showed her the dorms. "Oh great…I guess it's too late to request for a single?" She said. "No one here has a single room." She looked at the girls and looked back. "Right, this is a place for the screwed up kids."

I was about to say something but someone jerked me away. "I need to talk to you." It was Cora. I looked back and the girl Fiona was nowhere to be seen.

"Something wrong?" I asked. She just grimaced. We were making our way to my single dorm. She pushed me through the door. I sat on the bed, waiting for her to speak.

"I was on the phone with your mom for an hour…" She mumbled. "But, that boy K.C. you were dating died this morning around four a clock." She said.

It was like I wasn't breathing. "How?" I gasped. I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't cry. "They're suspecting drunk driver."

I put my head in my palms. Drew was probably driving…they went to that stupid party. I shook my head. "Do you want to go back home?" Cora asked me sitting on the bed next to me.

"I don't know," I whispered. I really don't.

_**-Adam**_

I had just gotten out of group therapy. Everyone decided to pour their heart out. Good for them. I was one of the few that didn't. Crying was a weakness. I wouldn't.

I met my shadow at my door. "What's next?" I sighed. "We're going to talk to your counselor." My shadow said, the west wing. "Great," I said sarcastically. I hated talking to her. She made me uneasy. My counselor was nice in all. I liked to look at the good in people. But she was different.

But then again, different was what made me who I am.

"_Ever heard of that saying, cut up a bitch because it's good for you?" He laughed. "NO? Well, lucky for you, I'll tell you."_

"Hey Adam." My counselor said. My shadow waited by the door. I sat down on the couch. I waited for her to talk. "How are you feeling this morning?" She asked drinking some of her coffee.

Broken. "Fine." I sighed. "Just fine?" She said. I shrugged. "Yeah."

She looked at me. "Are you okay? You look a little sick?" I put my hand on my forehead. 'I feel fine." I told her.

I thought about Drew. The night that happened I came home, he said I looked sick.

There was a knock at the door. My counselor, Ms. Barnes signaled the girl in. "Hi, I'm Cora." She said offering her hand. She sat down next to me. Ms. Barnes got up. "I'll give you two a minute." Then she exited out the door.

'I'm a grief counselor." Grief?

"And, I'm here to discuss with you about something that recently happened,"

My heart beat faster. Did something bad happen?

Like she was reading my mind. "Something bad did happen…" She took out a folder. "Your brother, Drew Torres…." She said. "Get on with it." I spit out.

"He died last night."

Reality and Karma have an ugly way of kicking you in the ass. I didn't move. I didn't speak. I didn't do anything.

"Are you okay?" She asked me.

I slowly turned towards her, and I broke down.

No, I'm not. I wanted to say, but my words wouldn't project.

"_You don't say much do you? But that's okay, I can talk for the both of us."_

_**-Eli**_

I stared out my window for a while. I watched the rainfall. I wanted it to snow. But then again, I wanted a lot of things.

Detective Jen pried my brain for the last two hours. My lawyer said not to give away too much. I didn't. But still.

Two lives. I didn't mean to….they were just… I banged my head against the wall. "Damnit!" I yelled. I wanted to scream.

The nurse came in. "What are you doing out of bed?" She asked, putting her hand on my shoulder. "I need to call my dad." I told her. "I also need my brochure." I added.

She knew what I was talking about.

She just nodded, I saw her exit out the door and got the brochure. I called my dad on the phone from my bed. He answered on the second ring. He sounded tired.

"Dad?" I said. He grunted. "Yeah?"

I sighed. "I want…I want to go to Breaker Winds."

I didn't want to. But Detective Jen gave me a loophole that she didn't know about. I wanted to prove to her that I can be good, leaving all the legal stuff behind.

"Really?" He asked. I sighed. "Yeah that's the only reason why I'm calling."

I see out my window a girl with black long hair, twirling around in the rain. It reminds me of Julia. I sighed and hung up the phone.

"The mind is a remarkable thing," I heard someone say. I turned around and saw a small lady walking in. "Just because you can't see the wound doesn't stop it from hurting. It'll scar up all the time. But eventually heal."

I only nodded. "Hi, I'm your in care counselor." I sighed. Great. "I hear you want to go to Breaker Winds?" She asks. I nod.

"You do realize that we're only letting you going because we cant legally arrest you?"

I rolled my eyes. "I've heard that a billion times."

"Get use to it. You'll be hearing a lot more." I hopped on my foot to my bed.

"When do I leave?" I asked.

"Tomorrow." She tells me. "But first, tell me about Julia."

I sit on the edge of my bed. I want to hide under the floorboards. I just want to be done with this.

**Review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay, thanks for all the reviews! I love them all….I have like one story on hold that I need to get back to…I thought about dropping it. But it's called Fallout. Anyways, I like this story.**

**I was pleasantly surprised that my mind could come up with something somewhat complex like this.**

**So, I am pretty heart broken right now. So, I'm sorry if this chapter is shit…Not feelin' all that good. Anyways. I did an interview with my counselor, and some people who were victims of things like in this story…I'll get more on that later.**

Detective Jen took the gun from that night and looked at it. Aspen was there with her at her apartment.

"Let's re-enact it." Detective Jen said. She took the bullets out and waited for Aspen as she sat next to her on the floor.

"He said they were going to do it together. But they only had one gun, and his hands were on it." She took the pictures from the folder, and showed Aspen want the wound from the gun.

"Do you think it was against her will?" Aspen asked. Detective Jen sighed. "Maybe," She shook her head. "Did Julia Schultz have any reason to be depressed?" Officer Aspen asked her.

"Looks like we're going to have to ask her parents." Detective Jen said, yawning.

"You do know that Eli is going to Breaker Winds?"

Detective Jen cocked the gun. "I'm sure he is."

_**-Clare**_

The funeral arrangements were being made and I wasn't even going to be there. I didn't want to leave. Because I knew once I got there, I would never want to leave.

I wanted to blame someone but I knew it wasn't right. So who was to blame? Drew? But they were hit by a drunk driver…So was it his fault?

I tried keeping an open mind, but I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I felt dirty, and guilty. I was always guilty about that night. I wasn't the same after it. I don't think I'll ever be.

"Clare," Jeremiah stares at me. "Yeah?" I whispered. "Are you okay?" He asked me. I didn't move.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked me lightly. I quickly nodded. I was going to go insane.

"What's on your mind?" He patted the open the empty space on the couch next to him. I sat there, folding my hands on my lap.

"I feel guilty…" I started out. "Just…about stuff that happened." He looks at me, and nods. "Like?" He asks. I shake my head. Not ready for that. "Okay," He says. He thinks…."So, I was thinking." Jeremiah starts out. "The boy, Adam, his brother died in the same accident." He grimaces at me.

My heart sank. I would love to hang out with him.

I got up from the couch. "Thanks," I told him. He puts his hands on my cheek and caresses it.

I shudder.

_**-Adam**_

There comes a point in your life where you have to decide what things are important to you, and what things you have decided to leave behind.

At least, that's what everyone else is telling me. They tell me my memories I should leave behind. But how can you leave them behind when they are the only thing you got?

Drew was my step brother. He wasn't always there for me, bit he definitely tried to be. When I was Gracie, he had accepted me. We both picked the name Adam out when I officially wanted to change. We both thought it was cool.

My mother at first hated it. She hated the fact that I was the "odd one out" from our family. I'm sure her intentions were good. But, let's face it. There's one family member in the family that is "the odd one out" whether you know it or not. That one was me.

"Adam, would you like to share a bit of your story?" This is a question you cant really decline not answering.

They told me when I got here I have to participate or I wont leave anytime soon. I sigh. I'll spare them the details, the ones they don't need to know of.

"I was bullied." I tell them bluntly. The guys smirk. Great. I just made myself an easy target.

"And I was kicked out once by kicking someone in the nards." I say with a small smile. "That's not something you should be proud of Mr. Torres." Ms. Keen says again. She writes something down in her journal.

"Did he go to the hospital?" A small boy, with sandy blonde hair asks. I shake my head. "No, but that would have been cool." I laugh. "Stupid bastard-"

"Adam!" Ms. Keen yells. "Language!" She says so exasperated. The guys are looking at me again. This time. With pride. Maybe I'll fit in more.

The bell rings. "Alright, your shadows are waiting out there. Tomorrow we're discussing bullying." She eyes me.

I don't look at her. I find my shadow. "Where to next?" She gives me a glare. "Uh, grief counseling. We want you to meet somebody."

I nod as I follow her to the east wing. She opens the door. I notice that it is the girl that I ran into. She sees me and gives me a broken smile.

I try to smile back, but we both know what we are in for.

"This is Clare Edwards" The grief counselor says. "Her friend was involved with the accident." She adds. Right. A pang of anger hits my heart, and drops to my stomach. My breath is quickening, my hands are sweaty.

"Hey," She finally speaks up. "We'll be waiting outside." My grief counselor says.

I sit down on the couch. "How are you feeling?" She looks at the ground. U shrug. "I have no idea." She laughs lightly. "Me too." I nod. This is awkward.

"I wanted to meet you officially. I wanted to let you know that if you need anybody, that I'm here for you." She says. I nod to her suggestion. "I uh…Thanks. You too." What was I suppose to say?

"So, what are you here for?" I ask her. She smiles sweetly. "I'm a junior high counselor." I nod. "Would you like to sit with me at dinner?" She asks. Considering I have no one to sit with, I nod and agree.

She pats my knee, I swat her hand and she quickly removes it. "Sorry…" She whispers as she leaves the room.

_I met him when I was four. His name was Jim. _

_**-Eli**_

They had to ask me a few more questions before I needed to leave. My mom sat next to me in the room. Detective Jen and Officer Aspen sat across from us.

Detective Jen turns on the recorder. "Now Eli," She said propping herself with her elbow. I snorted at how ridiculous it looked. Oh-so-professional.

"Eli," My mom hissed. I raised my hands in defense. "Sorry."

I controlled myself. Detective Jen sighed and started over again. "So, Eli, did you have any sexual intercourse with Julia the night she died?"

I looked at her curiously. "I don't think that's any of your business."

She nods and writes something in her notepad. "So, you did." I rolled my eyes. "Is there anything wrong with that?" She looks at me sternly. "No, its just another piece to the puzzle."

Someone walks in the room, I freeze as I stand up. "What the hell is she doing here?" Anger fills inside me. Making everything hard to handle. "She's just going to fill us in on Julia's whereabouts." She says. "Plus, why would it matter to you? You have to go to Breaker Winds." She gives me a devious smile.

As I walk past her, I glare at her. She then turns her back on me. Two can play at this game.

**Later**

I was finishing packing up. I had to leave soon.

"You know," CeCe said, putting boxers in my suitcase. "Whatever happens. I still love you, always will."

I nod. "I know," I don't deserve her grace, or her feeling sorry for me.. She should kick me out to the curb. I'm an asshole who needs to be punished.

"Your father does too. He's just upset." We weren't on talking terms. Not really, at least.

"Alright, let's go." She grabs my suitcase and heads out the door. Morty was taken away along with my license. I still have consequences.

"_Uh, we need to talk." She tells me. I look at her flustered face. She's like a ghost. "I need to tell you something." She says again. "What?" I ask urgently._

_She just stares at me. _

"_Something happened."_

**Short chapter, I know. But the next chapter Eli is finally going to be at the boarding school. Then, I can really start all the stuff I wanted to start….Okay. **

**Review! & If you guys wanted to see something happen in this story, you can always just leave it in a review! It would be really cool…**


	7. Chapter 7

**So, Eli finally starts at the school. I'm kind of having a writers block on this. So I either might take a small break but I will come back to this. Or I might just start another story. I have a few in my head…**

**Read and review. They're cool to get…**

**I do not own Degrassi.**

"Favorite movie?" Adam asked me. I snorted. "You don't want to know." I said, rolling my eyes. "Come on. Can't be that bad." He smiled at me. I shook my head. "Nope."

He crossed his arms. "Pride and Prejudice." I finally said. "And I thought it was going to be Twilight." He rolled his eyes, and stole my cookie. I smacked his hand. "Paws off." I said, taking it back. "They're not paws. They're hands." He snapped back. "Wow," I said, laughing at him.

He looks at me with a smile, but then looks down. "What?" I whispered. "Nothing." He shook his head. I knew what he was thinking about. He looked at his arms. He stared down at them directly. He looked like he was thinking hard. I watched him. "He was the only one who really understood me you know." He said, sniffing.

"Your brother?" I asked lightly. He nodded. "Yeah, Drew," He said, looking up at me, smiling weakly. "I….never really met someone who understood me. In anyway, I've always been different."

He cringes a little. "I definitely understand what it means to be different…" He whispers again. After a moment of silence, he gasps air. "Hey, you okay?" I walked over to his side of the table, sitting next to him, putting my arm around him.

"I'm fine," He mumbles. "His friend would bother me a lot." He said. "What friend was that?" I asked him. "I think you know him, K.C."

I sat back in my seat. "Yeah, I knew him. I always thought he was cool." I shrug it off. "Yeah, his girlfriend was so annoying." I was taken aback. "Her name was Jenna." He explained.

Jenna? I felt like I was punched in the stomach. "Oh.' Was all I said. "Yeah, she was pregnant." He said again. I was starting to feel dizzy. "Are you serious?" I gasped, holding onto my side. "What?" Adam said. "Nothing, nothing. I had no idea."

"Hey, are you feeling okay?" He put his hand on my forehead. He got up and left to find someone. I rested my cheek on the table, feeling the coldness. "Clare?" I heard Jeremiah's voice. I felt relieved, he would help me to my room.

He took my sides, and lifted me up. He put his arm around me. I looked back at Adam. He smiled a lofty smile.

"You okay?" Jeremiah asked me, moving some hair from my eyes. I just kept nodding. The more I nodded the more my brain started to hurt. I needed to puke. He rubbed the small of my back.

I felt even more uneasy then. I held back the puke.

Jeremiah opened the door for me. He laid me down on my bed. He rested his hand on my cheek. He slowly bent down and planted a kiss on my cheek. I looked up at him shocked and stunned.

"I, uh, better go.' He quickly rushed out of my room.

I turned on my side and let the tears fall. I couldn't take this anymore.

"_Parties aren't my thing."_

"_Well, make them."_

**-**_**Adam**_

[Next day]

"It didn't matter how many times I told him to stop, he wouldn't." Tim, a new comer to our discussion group said.

"It was like he enjoyed it.'

Well, no duh. I wanted to say. But he seemed like the type of guy who liked it when people knew he had a problem. He wore his heart on his sleeve. "What about you Adam?" Our leader of the group asked.

"His name was Jim." I told them. And that's all they needed to know. "He made my life a living hell." I said, crossing my arms. "What would he do to you?"

I closed my eyes. "He just liked to attack me." I sighed. "How old was he?" She questioned. "I have no idea. A lot older than me, that's for sure."

I could still smell him. "I liked him. I thought he was really cool."

"_But your love is painful." He whispered. _

"Did you tell anyone about him?" She asked again. I nodded. "I told someone."

But he died.

Died.

"Okay, we made progress, I'll see you guys on Monday. Enjoy your weekend." I got up quickly.

I walked over to my shadow. "What's next boss?" I said. She looked at her schedule. "Free time," She said surprised. "Bye," I said quickly going to the washroom. I didn't care if she followed me. Its not like she could go in the guys stall. I didn't look behind me, It would only slow me down.

I tried to find something sharp. Anything. I pulled my pants down when I got in the stall. I looked at my inner thigh. "Shit,' I said. I was having withdrawals.

Cutting and burning was different. Once you do it once, you start to crave it. If you cant kill yourself, hurting yourself was better. Cause no matter what:

"_You deserve this pain."_

When I realized I didn't have anything, I walked out and walked over to the game room. I noticed a mix of both girls and boys. I looked for Clare, but I remembered. She was most likely listening to someone. Or she was laying bed. She looked like she was going to throw up at first.

"I really hate the guys here," I heard someone sigh. I looked over. "Same here," I agreed with the girl next to me. She smiled at me. "Makes two of us then." She said looking at them.

"I'm Fiona, by the way." She said, tossing her curls to the side. I looked into her eyes, and smiled ridiculously huge. "Adam." I said, nodding. "So, what's there to do here?" She asked me, leaping to sit on the counter.

I shrugged. "I've only been here for a week," I followed her lead. "Seem like eternity?" She said, laughing lightly. "Like you wouldn't believe."

She pursued her lips. "Sigh." She laughed a shaky laugh.

"So what are you here for?" She asked. I want to laugh at this. Instead, I roll up my sleeves and show her.

"_Your scars make you who you are. Therefore, you deserve them,"_

-_**Eli**_

I felt like I was six feet under coming here. I felt like I was living another nightmare other than my own life.

"You'll be sleeping here," The lady showed me my room. Five bunks in one small cramped room. Whoohoo. Comfy.

"Thanks," I said sarcastically as I set my stuff down on the bed. She looked at me quickly. "We did your bag check…" She was mumbling to herself. "What else…?"

I looked all around me. I hated it already. You can smell the last persons aroma when they farted. That was how stuffy it was in here. A guy walked in, his hair wet.

"New guy," He said. I just nodded coldly. "Emo." He whispered. "Are we in junior high?" I whispered. Let the stereotyping begin. "No, but we are in a nut house." He laughed.

I rolled my eyes. "Hilarious."

"Boys," The lady said. I think her name was Cora. "Oh, he's your schedule. You'll most likely start on Monday, since it's the weekend."

She left the room leaving me and the guy. "What's your name?" The guy asked. "Eli." I said, my voice hoarse. He snorted. "What?" I snapped.

"Nothing," He said. "Idiot," I mumbled under my breath. "What?" He said. "Brilliant." I lied. I didn't need to get in a fight my first day here. It was already going down hill.

I unpacked most of my stuff. I'm surprised they let me bring reading material. I of course brought The Goon. I had to. It's a must, really.

Once I finished I went out into the hall. I knew I had to meet up with my shadow and my in care counselor. Then, I had a parole officer on campus too.

I shook my head. I was messed up. There was a burning in the back of my throat, I needed a drink. I needed water. I had to correct myself.

"_Did you rape her?" Detective Jen asked. I shook my head. "No," I would never. "Explain this," She showed me the pictures. I gasped. _

The door to our dorm opens. Death watch crew come in and check up on me. "Jeremiah is the name." He offers his hand. I just nod. I don't shake hands. He slowly puts his hand down.

"Here," He hands me my pills and water. Thank God. I don't swallow them. I make them think I do. But I'm going to save these pills. "Tomorrow, I'd like to start you in therapy session."

He looks at me sternly. "Then parole…" I block him out of my mind. I've heard it before.

My brain had been poked and prodded. I feel lonely, displaced, yet secure here. And that scares me.

These pills are starting to evaporate in mouth leaving a gross taste.

Finally, he touches my arm as he leaves. I spit the pills out finding a place to hide them just like my secrets.

"_You can't tell anyone," She makes me promise, swear on my life._

_So I do._

**Review!**


	8. Chapter 8

**I have one thing to say about Jesus, Etc., part two: HOLY SHIT. **

**I don't even know what to say. The L BOMB. THE L BOMB. Good God finally. I just wish they said it to each other. For Christ sake! I'm sorry…although I'm glad they finally admitted it. Anyways. **

**Here's the next chapter.**

**Reviews are cool. **

**I do not own Degrassi. If I did, Tonight's episode would have gone down like this: Eff fitz. Make out with Eli. Tell each other face to face they love each other. Make out with Eli. Adam cockblock. Make out with Eli. Point proven? Yes. (Sorry, it's been a long night haha.)**

_**-Clare**_

The morning always dragged on. I had to make myself get up now…. I keep thinking someone will wake me up and tell me I'm dreaming. Or tell me this all just a joke. But I had to admit to move on. K.C. was dead. I would never see him again.

So, why couldn't I forget him and move on? I knew this answer. It just wasn't the answer I wanted.

"Here," I gave the kid his pills, and the next kid came with his palm ready for me to drop them in his hand. I gave him the water, he nodded and gulped it down.

Everything seemed to be going at a monotonous. I had only been here a week, but how do they handle this? I wouldn't be able to.

I see Adam, and I smile at him. "Pill duty I see," He laughs. I also see the girl, Fiona, behind him. I smile at her as I hand her the pill making sure she gulps it down.

"See you at lunch?" He asks raising an eyebrow. I think about it. "I think so. I don't have anything else to do." I laugh as I give the next person their pills and water.

"_Focus," He hushed me. "Careful." He whispered. _

Once all the kids got their pills I went to Cora and used her phone to call my mom. I felt like I hadn't talked to her in forever. Her voice was reassuring. I wished she could give me a hug.

When I hung up I decided to do some light reading out in the hall. I sat down my back to the wall. I was starting to read my FortNight books again.

"Dude, seriously, back away." I heard yelling. I was thinking of leaving it alone. Not my mess. But I got up anyways.

"Piece of shit!"

"Don't be a dick!" I ran to where I heard the noise. I saw someone fall to the ground with a bloodynose. I looked to see that Cora and a couple other people already running there way down here.

I took the guy and turned him over. "Let me see it," I said, sitting next to him. "No no it's okay." He said, covering up his nose. "Come on, let's go to the nurse."

I helped the guy up and he kept his distance. "It's really okay, I go it. Damn." He mumbled. I rolled my eyes.

I had my hand on the low of his back for balance. He looked at me weirdly. "What happened? You might as well tell me now. That way you don't have to repeat it."

He looked down at the ground. "Um, who are you?" He asked. "I don't talk to strangers." He laughed.

I sighed as I led him into the office. His hands were bloody. The blood was dripping out from between his fingers. He sat on the spinning chair and I grabbed a tissue.

"Don't tilt." I told him when I saw what he was trying to do. "So, I just let the blood drip?" He said. I nodded. "Exactly. Just let it all out." I put the tissues under his nose. He grabbed it from my hand.

I gave him more, and I asked again. "What happened?"

He threw the bloody tissues away and put more. "I got in a fight with this guy in my dorm." He said, putting more tissues. "What started the fight?" I asked him.

"I wouldn't move out of his way fast enough. I told him he needed to be more damn patient. Then I called him a dick."

I wanted to roll my eyes. But instead I gave him more tissues. "So, what's your name?" I asked him, writing down what had happened. I would have to give this to Jeremiah.

"Eli Goldsworthy."

_**-Adam**_

"Favorite place you ever visited?"

"France," She confessed eating her ice cream cone. The staff were being nice and gave us a treat for our shitty behavior. I was surprised, to be honest.

"I've always wanted to go there. Eat a croissant." I thought about one. Being all flaky, and warm. I smiled at the thought. "You know there is much better bread than that." She said.

"Is that even considered bread?" I laughed. She shrugs. "I don't eat much bread."

I opened my mouth but didn't say anything. "Bread is fattening anyways," She added. "Bread makes you fat?" I questioned, totally stunned.

She giggles a little. "Yes sir." She says handing me the cone. "I really only like the ice cream."

"Let me guess the cone makes you fat, too," I rolled my eyes eating it. "Probably." She said, taking a pillow covering her stomach.

"You never told me…." I mumble. "Never told you….?" She says.

"How you got here." I admit. She smiles softly at me. "Maybe some other time, Adam." She says. I just nod. I looked down at my scars. I trace the recent scar.

"That's kind of cool." She grabs my hand and traces the sun. Her touch leaves me burning. In a good way this time. "That was a year ago." I cough uncomfortably. We're talking about my burns in such an easy matter.

She moves some hair out of her eyes. I'm so easily entranced by her face. It's like angelic. I see some dark skin on her left cheek. I want to touch it but it looks like it hurts.

So, I just stare at it. "What's that from?" I ask her, pointing to it. She lightly touches it. "Oh, I fell down the stairs." She laughs. "I'm such a klutz."

I just nod.

_She walked in the school with a proud smile and carried herself on a high horse. She greeted me and extended her hand towards me. "You're my shadow, right?" She asked me. I nodded with a small smile. "Adam," I extended my hand to her. _

_She smiled huge and gave me her books. And I took them from her. _

"This is the start of a beautiful friendship," She told me.

Beautiful, I scoffed, yeah.

_**-Eli**_

Everyone always warned me that my mouth would get me introuble. But due to the reputation I got. No one messed with me. Until this damn boarding house for the people who are just as fucked up as I am.

His name was FItz. And he liked to think he could run me over. But there was no way in hell that was happening. He told me to move when I was on MY side of the room. Not going to happen.

Then he told me he would make my life miserable. I told him I would like to see him try, considering it was already miserable.

He then pushed me out in the hallway. That was when I let loose.

Now, I am sitting in the nurses office be treated like I was a little four year old who skinned his knee.

"I'm Clare." She was eye level of me. I stared into her blue eyes, but I quickly looked away. "Thanks, I guess." I said throwing the last of the tissue. I walked out of the office and was greeted by Jeremiah.

He walked by Clare, and he stood close to her. He smiled as he saw her. "So you met Clare?" He smiled at me. I nodded slowly. Obviously Clare was either oblivious by his closeness or she didn't care. I just shook my head as I exited.

"Hold on, Goldsworthy." Jeremiah said, taking my shoulder. I looked down at his hand. "Excuse me?" I said. "Sorry, I guess I forgot my manners…" I looked down at the floor.

"Tonight after dinner you and Clare will be working on the dishes. You will be doing this for two weeks." He said, exiting the room.

"Great." I mumbled. She smiled softly at me. "Don't worry, its not that bad…"

I was already halfway out the door when I yelled back, "Right."

"_I'm not impressed Goldsworthy." Julia mocked my paper, handing it to me. "What happened?" I asked a little worried looking over at it again. _

"_This was the final draft? Shit. I'm going to get a terrible grade." I laughed in horror. For the most part I didn't care. _

"_The paper was good. But you need to focus on the characters more." She planted a kiss on my cheek. _

_I looked at her, and in a quick motion I pinned her to the bed. _

"_But I like showing the action, too." I mumbled into her neck. Her breathing was heavy. "Yeah, that's nice sometimes." She said as I slowly creeped my hands up her shirt. _

"_Stop." She said, getting up. "What?" I left my hand where it was at. _

"_Nervous…." _

_I had known Julia since we were kids. And now we were Juniors. We started going out in tenth grade. Our relationship, physically, was just making out. We hadn't actually touched anywhere other than our lips. _

_Everytime I tried to get physical, she'd push me away. _

_But I still kept trying._

**Not the best chapter. But I am getting more into all of their backstories now. You guys think you figured Adam's part out already? You could be right…You could be wrong, too. But I'll tell you this, it happens more than you think. Eli's flashback should be interesting. It should tell you a little bit about Julia's relationship with Eli. Oh, and what do you guys think of Jeremiah now? Haha.**

**Review! It would make me very happy…**


	9. Chapter 9

**Okay, I'm getting in deeper into their backstories, pointing out specific parts. So, you'll have to read carefully. **

**I have one thing to say about Clare's particular part. Her flashback is what I saw happen in real life. And it seriously scars you. I still think about it and it happened a really long time ago. **

**I would love to get feedback. I love all the reviews I've been given, it really gives me motivation to keep writing. I love the reviews that are like a paragraph long, but I am the one that usually gives those out. Haha. **

**Anyways, rant is over. Onto the next part.**

**I do not own Degrassi. **

**-**_**Clare**_

[Nine years ago]

Clare Edwards was sitting in the back seat of the car fiddling with the string on her shirt when the car came to a sudden stop. She looked up wondering why her father had stopped.

She looked to her mother who was wondering the same thing. There was a lady laying in the middle of the road, screaming. She barely had clothing on. Her shirt was ripped up in shreds, her pants weren't there, but she had her underwear on. She was screaming and people surrounded her.

The car was on the right side. Her father got out his phone and told his wife to call the police. Mr. Edwards stepped out of his car and took his jacket off and gave it to her. Clare and Darcy just stared at each other. Darcy was a bit older than Clare and tried to distract her sister from what was happening.

Her mother looked back wide eyed.

The lady was screaming still. There was a pool of blood by her. Many people would walk over to her and yell at her to calm down, but that only made her yell even more. They heard the sirens from the distances but faintly.

Mr. Edwards picked the lady up from the ground and held her close to his body. The gangly little girl was sobbing that she fell in his arms. He didn't know what to do.

Clare started to worry in her head. What if she had to sit next to her? What if she tried to kill her daddy? She started to cry. Darcy put her arm around Clare holding her close, but Clare's sobs were so hard that her mother screamed.

After a few moments the policeman and fire truck came and took the lady in the safety of their arms. Mr. Edwards hurried back to the car. He started the car and sped away.

No one talked about that night nor about the things that happened. They thought Darcy was old enough to know what really went down. But Clare was filled with nightmares ever since.

She dreamed that it was her in that position. Every night somehow that would incorporate in her dreams leaving her gasping for air when she woke up.

Eight years later Clare still woke up to the same nightmare. This morning she finally figured out what happened that night.

The girl was raped, and the guy left her to do. Her clothes were shred with blood and he had stabbed her. No wonder why…

She couldn't shake off the nightmare, no matter how hard she tried, she still had the vision of the girl. Long brown hair, crazy eyes, and screaming. Always the screaming. That was the part. It wasn't so much the screaming it was more of the anguish, you could feel the pain in it. Gripping on your heart so tight that you can't breathe.

Sometimes, she felt this way with K.C.

[**NOW]**

"You know," the boy, Eli, sighed. He scrubbed the melted cheese that was on the plate. "I really don't like that Jeremiah guy." I looked down and just scrubbed it off for him. I didn't say anything. "I mean he's a little weird."

I looked at him and raised my eyebrow. "Yeah, I know. Look whose talking or whatever." He sighed taking another dish out. "But he's messed." He said, putting the plate back. The plastic knives and forks and spoons were easy to clean. We couldn't have the real deal one's. Considering we had the cutters here.

I always thought that was ridiculous. You could still find a way to kill yourself if you wanted to with plastic. Of course I wasn't going to say this out loud. I wouldn't want to give any ideas.

I just kept scrubbing. He fell silent. Having nothing left to say. After a while the atmosphere was no longer playful. More intense. I hated that feeling. Feeling like you're locked up in your body, you can't breathe. You can't escape.

He kept scrubbing the same plate over and over again. I put my hand on top of his. He quickly freed his hand. "I think…I think the plate is good." I said with a small smile.

He looked at me with distant eyes, and nodded, slowly. He put it away. "Why did you do that?" I asked him. Trying again to make conversation to make this less awkward. "I like to repeat things, and try to make it perfect everytime." He whispered taking a new plate and doing the same process.

"_Clare we need to talk." K.C. stood at my doorstep. I looked at him, and gave him a nervous smile. I sat on the steps. "About what?" He sat down with me. He took my hand. "About….us." He grumbled. _

_I nodded. "Okay," I was ready. Ready for anything. "I think we need a break or something." He scratched his head. "Why?" I asked, my voice shaky. I was holding back the tears that I knew would betray me. _

"_I need something." He whispered. At this moment, I was willing to offer whatever. "What's that?" I asked him. _

I dropped a plate. "What the hell?" Eli said, picking up the plate, and throwing it in the trash. "Is your foot okay?" He bent down. Some of the glass hit my legs. My foot was fine.

"Everyone is getting hurt today," I mumbled. He just nodded. "I'll go get…."

"Jeremiah." I finished. He coughed. "Um, yeah." He quickly ran out the door. I just sat down and looked at a shard. I took a piece and slid it across my leg making it look like an accident.

What was wrong with me?

_Innocence. _

I did it again.

_Purity._

I dropped the shard and threw it across the room. My leg was now throbbing with pain. It burned. I got a washcloth from the sink and tried to clean it up, but it hurt too much.

"Clare are you okay?" Jeremiah sat down next to me, taking the cloth from me. "Here, we have to take you to the nurses office and call your mom." He picked me up and set me down.

"Just lean on me," He said, putting his arm around my waist. I watch Eli as he gets the broom and cleans up my mess.

_**-Adam**_

[**Six years ago**]

Adam was about ten when he met Anna. She was the new girl down the block and she definitely stood out from everyone. This was including Adam.

At the time Adam was still referred to as Gracie. Everyone called her by that, and she was use to it. Although she hated who she was, and hated everyone who called her that.

Gracie didn't wear the normal girl clothes, she dressed like a tomboy. Except for the hair. The hair gave it away.

Drew and Gracie went to go to the park to try to plat basketball before Drew had to go to basketball camp. He wasn't terrible, but he still needed practice.

Anna followed them to the park. "Hi," She said. Drew looked at her once and was taken aback by her. "Hey," Drew said. Gracie was a little shy at first but finally managed a hello. "Can I play?" Anna asked them. They both shrugged.

Anna was aggressive. Very aggressive. She would push Gracie out of the way, and then later kiss her scars.

Later that night, Drew and Gracie were sharing a bunk. "Drew," Adam whispered. They were suppose to be asleep. "Yeah?" He whispered. "Did you notice something weird about that girl?" She asked him.

"Yeah I did." He mumbled, trying hard not to fall asleep. "She's cool," Adam finally said.

If he only knew.

[**NOW**]

I went to get ready for bed, planning it. I didn't want people to see that I had to go to the handicap to get ready. When I did get in there the first thing to come off was the wrap.

Sometimes my wrap under my shirt gets a little tight. Sometimes I can even tell that I have boobs. I really wish out of all of this, I can get rid of them. I sighed as I began to unwrap. I had a camisole on too. I took that off.

My arms had a bunch of burns. I looked at the vein I tried to pop but failed miserably. It still hurt like hell when I was anywhere near heat. It itched, too. I didn't have a shadow for everyday living yet. Apparently the person who was supposed to stay in my room with me dropped out. I didn't care. I didn't mind being alone.

"_I care about you too much to let you go."_

I thought about Fiona a lot. She was different and she didn't look at me weirdly. I was trying to get her out of my head but my stomach betrays me. I get butterflies whenever I think about her. I haven't even known her long enough.

My main problem was, I always seemed to fall for people too fast. And in the end, I'm the one wounded. It's never the other way around.

When I was Gracie I had a guy like me once…that was really bad. I hadn't recovered from it yet.

Once I finished I go back to my room. I close the door and lay in my bed, exhausted. Completely exhausted. If Drew were alive, he would say something along the lines that maybe just maybe, he loved me.

The only guy that ever loved me was Drew. I only really needed him. He filled my needs when I needed them. He was just always there…

_**-Eli**_

[**Sixteen years ago**]

This kid was going to kill her.

CeCe heard the little baby scream from the other room. She was worried something was wrong with him. Like if he was sick, or broken somehow.

The kid wouldn't shutup. "We could have used a condom," Bullfrog grunted turning on his side in their bed. CeCe smacked his arm, as she got up to go meet her screaming child. "I'm just sayin'." Bullfrog muttered as he fell back asleep.

She opened the door to his room. It was seven in the morning and he had no lighting whatsoever in his room. Was that healthy? Before she scooped him up in her arms she moved the curtain out of the way and let the sun shine through.

She then rocked him back and forth, and rubbed his small little back. He was still screaming. CeCe didn't know what to do.

She was still all too knew to this. She decided to feed him which seemed like that was all she needed to do. He was then quiet and content. "Oh, Elijah." She whispered as she pressed her lips to his small little forehead.

She needed to get the mail today, so she decided to take Eli with her. He seemed to enjoy the outdoors. The sun was bright, and the air was cold. A lady in the distances seemed to be having some trouble. She walked quickly to her aid and helped her pick up the box she had dropped.

"Here you go," CeCe said, handing her the box. The lady smiled faintly. She rubbed her stomach. "Cute baby," She said after a while. "Thanks," CeCe looked down at her son. "When are you due?" CeCe asked, making small talk. The lady rolled her eyes. "Soon. And I'm moving here. I just have to move some more heavy boxes." She sighed.

Bullfrog was the first thing that popped in CeCe's mind. "I'll get my husband to do that. Come with me and I'll make you some tea and some food." She wouldn't take no for an answer as she took her hand.

They were two houses apart. CeCe yelled for Bullfrog and he came down totally tired and not fully awake. He asked his wife what he wanted him to do. He left displeased of having to do something so ridiculous in such the early morning.

"So do you know the sex?" CeCe was getting some warm water. "Yeah, It's a girl."

CeCe nodded. "I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself. I'm CeCe." She offered he hand. The lady took and nodded. "Kendra."

She smiled down at her stomach. "I think I'm going to name her Julia."

"That's a pretty name." CeCe agreed giving her the tea.

[**Now**]

I went to bed that night thinking about Jeremiah and how much I already hated him. He gave me an uneasy feeling. I hated it. I already felt uneasy as it is.

Cora came in and gave me my pills and watched me as I fake swallowed it. I was saving these things.

I took them at home, I was suppose to take them regularly or they can "greatly affect me later." But I hated relying on things. If I needed it I had it within my reach.

I laid down in bed. And I kept trying to distract my mind but everything seemed to always flood its way back in, breaking down any barriers I put up.

"_I can't keep doing this," Julia let go of my hand. "Doing what?" I asked her, anxiously. "This," She pointed back between her and I. "What do you mean?" I asked her. She stared at me. "Don't make me say it," She lightly sobbed. "Then don't." I told her, folding her into me._

If anything. I have one thing that I'll never be able to forgive myself from:

I messed up Julia.

**Can I just say that this specific chapter took me four hours. I have never spent that long on a chapter…so if you could review that would be um…pleasant. Ha. **

**And I would love to know what you guys think now since they all exposed a little bit about their past. **

**R&R. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Okay, so this chapter is also very relatable to me. I'm sorry if it's a bit disturbing. Clare's part, but it DOES happen. And I am going for dark. Hopefully, there will be some light. And Eclare is still happening. But I'm not one of those people who just make them go out in a heartbeat…that's not me or my writing. So, if you're willing to bare with me, then, awesome. =)**

**I knew the ending of this story before I even wrote it, and….just prepare. Ha. That's all I can say. **

**Anyways, reviews are cool. I like them. It really does motivate me to write. **

**Also, to those of you who said you liked my writing style, thanks so much! Honestly, It means a lot, because I think it's utter crap. Ha. **

**I do not own Degrassi. **

_**-Clare**_

[**Nine Years Ago**]

Some things were better left unsaid, kept away, locked in your memory compartment.

Clare was good at doing this.

It happened at a basketball game, her parents thought it would be a good family outing. Ten minutes in the game, Clare was bored. She got up from the bleachers and wandered the halls aimlessly.

There was a guy drinking some water and he lifted his head. Clare just walked past him. He was about fourteen, tall, and gangly. He followed her, "Are you lost?" He asked her. She just turned slightly, and said, "Just bored."

She kept looking in classrooms, looking for anything, something to do. "Come on," He offered his hand to Clare, she looked at it, smiling and took it.

They walked down the halls and gone outside. It was dark, cold, he offered his jacket. He was nice, she thought. Of course, Clare was only seven.

"So, who are you?" He asked her, He wasn't a bad kid. He was just confused.

He paced outside. Going back and forth and Clare watched him.

An idea sprung in thee boy's mind. He needed something, anything…He figured Clare would have no idea what was going on.

He looked at her, She was so tiny. She didn't have any development in the chest area at all. But he didn't care. Once he got this sex drive, he felt like you could do it with anyone. It didn't matter who.

He burned so much, resisting as much as he could. Clare just looked down innocently. Already bored. He decided. He took Clare's hand and took her down the alley way. And he just stared at her, visualizing her. Everything he could do to her. The idea started to plot away at itself.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked her. She only had ever kissed her parents and Darcy. She shrugged. What could it hurt? Right?

He bent down and kissed her lips, she didn't kiss him back. She had no idea how. He backed Clare up into the wall, she winced in pain. His hunger grew. It was like he couldn't get enough of her.

His hands crawled up her shirt. He felt her skin. He felt her nothing.

"Clare," She stuttered.

[**Now**]

It was Sunday. They didn't have a church service. I was a bit disappointed by this. I felt like I needed to confess my heart out again. God wasn't going to forgive me…I hope he would. I screwed up big time.

I looked at my leg a lot, I did that. I made those marks on my skin.

"I guess the, 'I don't want a die without a few scars' takes into play." I looked behind me, Eli. He sat down on the table, and looked at me with a smirk playing along his lips.

"Fight Club." I mumbled. "First rule about fight Club is you don't talk about the fight club," He looked at me appalled. I had to laugh. "We're not in Fight Club, plus that was a trippy book," I shook my head.

"Oh, so you read it?" He say, raising an eyebrow. "I'm more surprised you read it. You just seem like the type who doesn't read. Or, uh, doesn't know how." I coughed, looking down. My flirting skills needed brushing up. Flirting? Wait. I stopped myself.

I felt like I was cheating on K.C. but reality has a nasty way of getting back at you and reminding you. I sighed, not wanting to even talk anymore. "What? Do I look that helpless?" He laughed in horror. I looked up and briefly smiled at him.

His humor faded. "Uh, about last night…" He nodded his head. "Are you okay?" He asked me, zooming in on my leg. I cursed myself silently. I should have worn pants instead of a skirt.

"Yeah, I just am clumsy." I smiled at him. "Really cause that looks like a cut that was-"

"Clare!" I looked up. Jeremiah. I hung my head a little. "I just wanted to see if you were okay." He nods to me. "I'm sure she can take care of herself." Eli chimed in, sounding a bit harsh. I glared at him.

Jeremiah turned around towards him. "Shouldn't you be in therapy?"

Eli smirked a little, and mockingly laughed. "It's Sunday." He folded his hands on his laps.

"Is there anything else Jeremiah?" I asked before things got out of hand. He turned back to me. "Yeah, I needed to talk to you about some stuff tonight." He smiled at me softly. I just nodded, keeping things professional. Keeping my feelings in check.

I saw Adam walking towards me. I smiled at his direction, he looked terrible. Almost sickly looking. Eli looked to where I was staring.

Adam sat on the ground, cross-legged. "I forgot to bring my comics with me. I'm so bored." He sighed. "The new copy of the goon was suppose to come out today." He added. "I love that one," I heard Eli say. I laughed at them, and got up. I needed to go and lay my head down.

Things weren't making any sense right now.

My feelings for Jeremiah were weird, I couldn't even put my finger on it.

I laid down in my bed, imagining a really long time ago. I lightly touched my chest, and remembered something. Someone touched me pretty rough there, but I can't remember what. Or, who.

I just have the memory.

_**-Adam**_

[**Seven Years Ago**]

Anna often came over to the Torres house. Everyone would be surprised if she wasn't around. Although there was something wrong with her, but no one could put their finger on it.

Drew went off to camp that summer leaving Gracie alone. On the rare occasions, Toronto got really hot. Adam didn't want to take off his shirt and just wear a camisole. He thought it would be showing too much skin.

Although Adam went by Gracie, he still had his name picked out, and for the most part he knew who he was.

Anna woke up one morning and she ran to Adam's house, she banged on the door. Mrs. Torres answered the door muttering about how they should give this kid a damn key already.

Adam was still asleep. His room was upstairs. Anna tip-toed all the way up to his room, and laid next to Adam. A few hours. Adam woke up to one other person in his room. "Whoa!" He said, getting up.

He pushed her, but she was out of it.

He just sat there, waiting. When she did get up, she smiled at Adam. He just stared at her. "What are you doing here?" He asked. "Your mom let me in," She told him.

"Let's go," Anna said, taking his hand in hers. They exited out the door and they went away. "I think, we should get some supplies first." She told him, he just nodded, not really sure what was going on.

They went into the stores, and Anna went into the chips and junk food aisle. I just followed her. She had everything she needed. She watched around to see if anyone was around and she stuffed it into her big coat.

I followed her lead, I didn't want to get into any trouble. I wanted to bolt and leave. This wasn't okay. Even I knew this. But for a really lone time, Anna was the only one had.

And perhaps the only one I'll ever had.

"_Listen to me," He said. So I did. _

_**-Eli**_

[**Nine Years Ago**]

By the time they were four, they were already best friends. They spent the night at each others houses so much that they each had a room in their house for the other.

Julia worked a lot, so Julia was always over. Julia's father was never there. And when he was, he was on the phone rambling on about some shit most people didn't care about.

To say the least, Bullfrog was her role model.

Eli and Julia were playing at a creek in the woods by the park. They had gotten lost on one of their ultimate adventures. Their only thing they brought was a packet of Oreo cookies from CeCe's pantry. They stole it, of course.

Eli being the devious child he was, found a frog and he squished it to death and he put the remains on Julia's shirt. She squealed and she fell in the creek. Even though it was shallow, she had no idea how to swim. She could walk in this creek, but she was still gasping for air.

"Oh no!" Eli said. He jumped in the little creek and he grabbed Julia and took her to where she could breathe again.

"How do I do it?" He asked. Julia coughed. "Do what?" She held her heart. "How do I do that mouth to mouth thing? You know the hero's always do that when they save someone's life!" He shrieked. Obviously, Eli was watching too much TV. Julia shrugged. All she wanted to do was go home.

She took off her shirt, and she did it without it being weird.

He would of thought that in a few years, it would be Eli doing that to her.

But, from that moment on as they walked together to the house, Eli would try his best to save Julia. To be her hero.

[**Downtown Toronto Police Department]**

Detective Jen looked at the photos of the accident again, and pulled out the files looking at the case. She kept thinking about the pact, and how when she questioned Julia's mother, everything seemed fine.

But then again, most teenagers didn't tell their parents everything. So, she asked if Kendra could bring some of her journals with her. This wasn't a invasion of privacy if the person was dead.

She pulled out one of the journals and saw some sloppy handwriting with dirt everywhere. She had to been about six or something. She tried to read it, but couldn't.

Officer Aspen walked in with coffee in hand. "I talked to the Goldsworthy's kid parole officer.' She sighed as she sat down. Detective Jen peeled her eyes away from the folder. "And?" She asked. "He's doing…well." She shrugged.

Detective Jen laughed, "right." Was all she said. "He could be lying about that." She added.

Aspen nodded. It wouldn't have been the first time Eli lied about something to them.

**What do you guys think? Review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**First off, sorry I haven't updated. I just wasn't really feeling it. I'm still not. I kind of lost my spark for it. **

**Second, this is now rated M for a couple reasons. I guess you'll see why. I planned this chapter since the very beginning. Mostly Eli's part. I have a hidden meaning in it for future chapters. **

**Don't worry, Eli isn't a rapist. I could never do that to him. But there is something going on. And it isn't his fault…**

**Uh, I don't really know what to say about this chapter. I guess fair warning. It might be a little….disturbing, I suppose. **

**Reviews are cool… I'd like to see what you guys thought, and if I should still continue this or not…**

**I do not own Degrassi. **

**-Clare**

It was Monday. We decided as the staff to have the monthly physical fitness today for everyone. Normally, this was for the anger management. But I think we all needed this.

I had locked away the feelings about K.C. I didn't want to think about it. I was mad. I was upset. I was pretty good at hiding the anger. But it didn't matter. He was dead. He was gone. He would never come back. So, why did I not feel so upset about it? I thought I loved him, I really did. But he didn't love me as much as I thought he did…

"Clare!" I looked over to see Adam and Fiona stretching. I walked over to them, slowly. Adam seemed to be doing better. He went to the coping counselor with me. But who knows. He could be putting on a face like me. But he seemed happy, but then again, I am starting to see a forming love interest.

Fiona was different. Last night she pulled me aside and she asked if I could talk with her daily, but I had to decline. I couldn't necessarily talk to the older students hear. Not because of my age, more of I didn't have "much" experience. But that wasn't necessarily true…

"Hey," I sighed, smiling just a little. "Are you guys ready for this?" I had to get them pumped.

I looked over to the entrance; Jeremiah had walked in with a megaphone. "First thing we're going to do is the trust." I looked around, some of the people mocked; some made small comments to each other.

"Find a partner." He said. It took a few minutes for everyone to have one. I looked around for extras then I noticed I was the only one who didn't have one.

A door opened, and slammed into the wall. "Ah, Mr. Goldsworthy. Nice of you to join us."

Eli merely glanced at him. Jeremiah wrote something down on his clipboard. I watched him as he made his way to the middle of the gym floor. He looked exhausted, and sweaty.

"Looks like we don't have anyone available for you." Jeremiah said. Eli looked down at the ground. "Oh, darn," He whispered with a hint of sarcasm. I rolled my eyes as I made my way towards him. "He can be my partner." I took Eli's hand and brought him to the side.

I didn't look back. I didn't want to see Jeremiah's reaction. Eli slowly let go off my hand, and he stepped back.

"First pick which one will go first," I sighed. Great. "You learn to rely on someone instead of yourself," Jeremiah continued.

A girl raised her hand, and he called on her. "Wonder if you don't trust the person you're with? Wonder if they drop you?"

Jeremiah shrugged, "That's why it's called trust. Hopefully, we'll be able to build it. This will help you break down barriers."

I looked over at Eli as he is still staring down at the ground. "Do you want to go first?" I ask him. He says as he says, "I don't trust anybody."

"Okay then… I'll go." I look back to see that he does have his arms ready to catch me.

_Trust no one. _

I close my eyes and take in a deep breath as I fall back.

His arms seemed steady, although I did almost fall. I blame my weight. But he was pretty slender.

"That was great," I comment. "Are you ready? I won't let you fall." I smile in encouragement. He holds my gaze. His green eyes are dark, and full of…. Sadness.

He breaks the moment by laughing. But it sounded more of a mock.

**[Then]**

When her sister was raped, she didn't really know what to think of it. Nothing really shook their family. At all. Of course they had their problems. But what family didn't.

Clare knew about rape. She knew it was bad. She felt bad for her sister, but she had her own secrets. For the past, she thought about it. What the guy did to her. She couldn't remember the face, just the hands, and the voice. It made her shiver and feel dirty.

She always felt dirty. But she would never tell any of this to anyone. They didn't deserve to hear about this, especially since Darcy's issue was bigger than her own.

That didn't mean the questions didn't stop running through her mind. Was she molested? Or was it just harmless fun? Although, she knew this answer, but herself, her nature didn't want to blame anyone else, but deep, deep down she hated him.

She went through everyday with the normal attitude; only on rare occasions when she was alone did it get really bad. After what he did, she felt like she wasn't worth it. She felt like no one would love her. What was her problem?

From the room next door she heard Darcy trying to hold back the tears. Often Clare would cry over her sister. She cared about her sister so much. They might have not shown it, but she cared. She just hated how much attention she got.

Clare got up from her spot and went inside her sister's room. The crying and the sniffles stopped. Darcy froze. "It's just me," Clare whispered. "You should be in bed," Darcy said, in a sharp tone.

Darcy…. was judgmental. She thought of Clare as a small child. Perhaps she was, but mentally, she had grown up than most.

Clare ignored her as she lay next to Darcy. "I know what happened to you," Clare said after a moment of silence.

Darcy turned so she was facing Clare. "Do you think I'm horrible?" Darcy asked. She was shaking. Clare shook her head as she hugged Darcy. At this moment, Clare wanted to confess it all, but instead, she pushed it away.

She pushed it away for another day.

**-Adam**

[**Then]**

Anna often came over to the Torres house, and often caused trouble. Something was always getting broken, or something was stolen. Adam had no idea why she was like the way she was. His mind couldn't wrap around it. But she was different.

At first he was uneasy about this. (He still is) but he was getting use to it. She liked to do physical games that often led to Adam touching parts that were unfamiliar. But Anna said that it was normal. Adam believed her.

They weren't best friends. They weren't acquaintances, or friends either. There wasn't a big age difference but there was still an age difference.

"What do you want to do today?" Anna asked as they were hiking in the backwoods of Adam's dads cabin. Adam shrugged. "I don't know." He was tired and didn't feel like doing much of anything.

"Let's go for a swim!" Anna shrieked. Adam stopped dead in his tracks. He didn't like this.

He wasn't comfortable taking his shirt off, but Anna already peeled her shirt off. She walked over to him, hands on her hips. "Are you scared?"

Adam gulped. He'd admit it, he was. "Yes," He nodded. "It's just me," She snorted. That was true. But what Anna didn't understand was that he was stuck in a girl body. So he decided to swim in all his clothes.

"No, no, no." She corrected. "Your mom wouldn't like you wearing all of your clothes in the water. That means she's have to wash them. I don't think you want to make her mad."

Adam groaned, he didn't want to do this. Adam sighed as he slowly pulled his shirt up. Anna worked on his pants. Taking much longer than she should.

Once Adam was just in his boxers, Anna looked at him as she went in the water. There was a huge difference between Anna and Adam, but Adam couldn't figure out what.

Adam quickly got in the water, feeling embarrassed to be almost naked with Anna watching him. He sank lower. Anna came closer, and closer. They touched chest, and Adam wanted to scream.

He hated this. "I'm not going to hurt you." Anna whispered. "You can trust me."

[**Now]**

"I hate doing those," I mumbled as Fiona and I exited out off the gym. Fiona just nodded. "What?" I asked her. She looked up from her daze and smiled. "Sorry, I blanked out." She gave me a small smile.

"I need to use the restroom," I touched her shoulder. Her eyes lingered there. She held my hand there. My hand burned. But it was a good enjoyable burn. "I'll be waiting." She said as she walked to the game room.

I smiled softly as I walked to the handicap restrooms. I hated that I was the only one who used them. I noticed some people staring as I made my way there. I tried not to look at them, but it was kind of hard not to look.

Once I got in I unwrapped myself. Something was pinching me, and I needed to loosen the wrap. I hear a flush. I panicked. Shit!

"What the-" The guy stopped and looked away. "Uh, sorry." He said as he turned his back on me. "Shit!" I whispered as I wrapped myself up again. "Hey, it's okay." The guy said.

He looked familiar. I remember. It was that guy Eli.

"Why are you using this bathroom!" I hissed. "It was the closest one…. Why are you?" He asked me.

My heart was pounding, my cheeks were burning. I needed to burn myself. My secret exposed. "I… uh." I can't. I won't. "Well?" He said, turning around. He looked at me in the eyes.

"I'm a transgender." I mumbled, looking down. "Female to male," I continued. Now the whole school is going to know, and I'm going to be bullied. Again.

"Oh, that's cool." He said, washing his hands. "That's cool?" I quoted, confused. He shrugged as he got a paper towel. "Yeah, I don't care." He rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry, I won't tell." He said. He smirked at me and bumped shoulders as he exited the bathroom.

**-Eli**

[**Six years ago**]

Julia and Eli were in their fort. Which was made up of scattered blankets across the whole room. CeCe had encouraged them to go outside and play, but Eli never really listened. Julia just went along with whatever.

They tangled themselves in the blankets, whispering to each other. Julia had gained new scars from unknown sources. Eli saw them. He knew they were bad. For a nine year old he was pretty perceptive on situation. He just had no idea how to handle them.

She ran her fingers across her ribs, it hurt her. He looked at her ribs and played with the skin that sagged. She slapped his hand in pain. He laughed a little, but remembered he was suppose to be the protector.

Julia thought of Eli as her older brother. She had so much love for him. He had seemed to be the only sane person in her life.

A few months ago, her mother, Kendra, started to act a little weird. He father wasn't there. The only family she had was the Goldsworthy's, she was always there.

"Let's go," CeCe said as she entered the room. "Oh my God." She said as she looked at the mess. Eli smiled a little at his mom, she shook her head. "I'll be waiting in the car,"

They got up and tore the down the blankets and stuck them in a corner as the exited out to meet CeCe in the car. Julia trailed behind.

They were going to McDonald's. Although CeCe hated the place, the grease, the sticky kids. She shuddered at the thought, but she did promise them.

On there way there they started to play a game of truth or dare in the car, and Julia was all for the dares. It didn't matter what the dare was, she was for it. CeCe rolled her eyes as she listened to the dares he son gave Julia. They kept playing when they got inside.

It was packed with older men and their kids, CeCe sighed as she brought them to a booth. They sat down, and Eli thought of a "brilliant" dare. Or so he thought.

"I dare you to go to the boys restroom," He leaned in and whispered. Julia looked at him, smiling widely. "Fine," She was so excited. She got up, sneaking past Eli's mom, Everyone gone in there, right? At least once in their lifetime?

She went in and went into a stall, she was secretly scared stiff. When she walked out, a guy was standing there. He was a worker at McDonald's it looked like from the shirt he was wearing.

She blushed as to go past him. He stopped her, locking the door stall.

She laughed shakily, thinking this was all some big joke. He pushed her, and she ended up backing into the toilet. She cried because it hurt. His hands covered her mouth, but then she bit him, he wasn't having that.

He kicked her ribs, and she collapsed, falling to the ground, her head hitting the toilet. For a second, he felt sorry for her, she was an easy target. Though she was in sobs, he found that rather annoying. He had picked her up and slammed her against the wall, unzipping her pants. It happened fast and quick, she couldn't react to the pain, because everything else was hurting. After he finished, he let her go.

She was soiled. He laughed for a brief second and exited, acting like nothing happened. Everything was completely normal.

She curled up into a ball, in full sobs. She burned there. In the private spot. She was sore, and the pain wouldn't go away. But she was strong. She got up and went to clean herself up.

Once she finished, she fixed her shirt, and her pants, and walked out, shaking.

"Was it that bad?" Eli laughed. He noticed the big bruise on her head. "What happened?"

Julia smiled. "I slipped, that's all."

And then they ate their food.

[**Now**]

I walked from the handicapped bathroom to my group session, thinking about the gym. I knew Clare wouldn't drop me. I also knew I was being an ass. But it was better that she didn't know my weakness.

I wish I wasn't here. I just want to go back to the time where everything was fine. _Normal_.

I could handle listening to people, I just hated how much they wore their heart on their sleeve. Letting everyone know that they are in pain. As I entered the room, guys were already in the circle.

I was pretty good at trying to hide my pain, I don't know…. It was easier that way.

I figured out that all the guys here came from Juvie, We were called as Jeremiah put it, the "special" one's. I hated that. I said bye to my shadow as I grabbed a chair and sat.

All the guys here at least had the same reaction I have. I guess to some this was better than home.

I decided to blow the fifty minute we had in here by thinking about something else. Or trying to.

"You killed two people." That line had repeated in my head over, and over again. I felt like collapsing in my seat. I wanted to shatter on the floor.

The lady who was running this was getting some dirty stares. Every guy here had perverted thoughts. She was either oblivious or she liked it. I was thinking the latter. I bet she never had sex.

Sex. That word. That feeling. The emotional rollercoaster… I smiled briefly as I thought of my first time. It was awkward, in some respects uncomfortable.

I mean, I was ready…. I was comfortable in my body, but I couldn't say the same about Julia. But she agreed to do it… She didn't seem to like it, but I figured it was the nerves.

I beat myself up after that. Until the second time. She either tried to enjoy it or she was putting on the face.

Whenever we cuddled, if I touched her in certain areas, she cringed, pulling me away. I didn't understand. Most of our fights started because of that. That's when I jumped to the conclusion that she was seeing someone else.

"Eli?" I looked up. The lady was standing over me. "What?" I asked, my voice hoarse. "You can leave." She said. I nodded as I got my stuff together.

None of this mattered anymore. She was dead. That was all.

"You okay?" I looked over to my right. It was Clare. "Yeah." I said, heading to the cafeteria. "Are you sure?" She asked me. I nodded, and laughed. "Why?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I worry about you."

I scoffed. "I worry about you more." It was true. The way Jeremiah looked at her seemed… off. I didn't like it. "Why is that?" She bumped into me on accident.

"I just do." I sighed.

_You'll always be a monster. _

**So, what did you guys think? Clare and Eli are starting to become friends. And Adam and Eli! I love that friendship..**

**Anyways, I would love to know what you guys thought. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry for not updating, but it looks like I got a few reviews saying I should continue this. So I shall! Thanks for sticking with me this long, and I'm sorry that the romance is coming by very slow. But I really am not romantic. I severely lack that emotion, ha. But I'll do my best.**

**By the way, I changed my Pen name. And my pen name was KaityLoo but I changed to Caitlynnn124. I changed it because my real name, Caitlyn, is not spelled with a 'K' When I though of a username for here and twitter, CaityLoo had already been taken, hence the reason why I put a K cause I'm lazy. =p**

**So, I have no idea how many chapters this will be until I finish, but I'm guessing quite a few. So, are you guys going to stick with me for that long?**

**One more thing or two… I have a couple new stories up. A series of one-shots called Things I Never Said, and a new story called Devastation and Reform. If you guys want to check them out and review that would be cool.**

**I do not own Degrassi. I just own this fucked brain and ideas of mine. **

-**Clare**

"Clare!" And then I woke up. I looked up and in the dim moonlight there was a shadow above me. "Oh my God!" I screamed. Afraid of being touched. Or worse, raped.

"It's just me," I knew the voice. My heart calmed down again. "What are you doing in my room, Jeremiah?" I snapped, my voice groggy. "We need you to come to the gym…" He whispered. It must be bad. I looked over to my clock and saw the time. Three a.m.

As I put on a pair of sweats and a decent looking t-shirt, I made my way with Jeremiah to the gym. All around me kids were talking, I ran into a couple on my way. "Sorry," I said to one. The person just looked at me with sad, tired, eyes.

Once we got in, I made my way up to the front. Jeremiah was looking at the megaphone. I sighed when he couldn't find the button. I took it from him, handing it back to him when I turned it on.

"Thanks," He mumbled. I huffed. Too early. I can't think straight. I looked over to the exit doors that have been closed off. EMT's were crowding the area. I tried to look to see what they were haling out, but they had gone by so fast.

I felt a warm hand interlace with me. I looked up to see that it was Jeremiah. There was a tear in his eyes. "What?" I asked, my heart speeding up again.

He grunted, then said into the megaphone, "Everyone settle down!" He yelled. He got everyone's attention. I looked all around and saw Eli. He was in the front with his arms crossed. He shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"No, none of you are in trouble." Jeremiah added. He stopped, looking down. I frowned at him, and squeezed his hand, encouraging to go on. Mostly because I wanted to know what was going on.

"A student committed suicide."

"Oh my God…" I whispered. He took the picture that a volunteer gave him. I sucked in air when I realized who it was. Samantha.

I let go of his hand as I ran out of the gym. Who was next to die? Adam? Fiona? My mom? My dad? I sank to the ground and held myself.

I was keeping in every tear since K.C. died. Though I don't know why! It's not like I didn't care about him. I loved him so much, that I let him do things I really didn't want to do to me.

I felt a pair of arms around me, and I prayed it wasn't Jeremiah, cause I don't think I can handle that.

"It's okay," I heard the voice say. I looked up from my hair and saw a pair of green eyes staring at me. I didn't want Eli to see me like this. No one should see me like this. I look pathetic, crying on the floor.

"Just go," I warned him. He shook his head. "Nope," He said. A faint smile formed across his lips. I wanted to smack him. How could he smile at a time like this?

"Everyone is dying," I blurted. I don't know why. But whenever I was with him, he made feel like I should tell him stuff. "And I don't know how to stop it." I finally said.

He didn't say anything, and when he did, it hit me hard like blocks of bricks. "Everybody dies."

[**Then]**

They had walked up to the hospital room, Clare clutching on to her mothers arm.

The nurse told them to be quiet. "She's sleeping." The nurse said, exiting the room.

Darcy took Clare's hand and let her to her dying aunt.

She had a blood clot in her brain, and the surgery to see if they could do anything about it was highly dangerous. Most of the patients didn't survive. But the nurses and the doctors were surprised that she had lived long past the surgery.

Clare's mom went to the bedside and held her dying sisters hand. She was all she got it felt like. She raised her sister he entire life, and gave that principle to Darcy.

Her heart started to go by fast, and fast, picking up more speed with each breath. And suddenly, it stopped. She was dead.

Clare's mother ran out of the room to tell the nurse, and Darcy followed with her. Clare remained, unsure of what to do. She had never seen a dead person; she didn't really know how to react.

Instead of finding her sister and her mom, she went over to her dead aunt, picking up her still warm hand. The color was draining away, the blood stopping. Clare felt for a pulse, just making sure if she really was.

"Must be nice," She whispered. "To be dead." She finished. In her mind though she never would say it out loud, nothing hurts when you're dead. Nothing.

**-Adam.**

As the whole school mourned, I snuck Fiona away and we sat underneath the bleachers of the school. We had to be very quiet because we knew we could get in trouble at any moment.

"That was really sad," Fiona said, picking stuff off of my jacket. I nodded in agreement.

I didn't know the girl who died, but I felt a special connection. Secretly, everyone here wants to die or we wouldn't be here.

"I wonder what her parents think," I said, taking Fiona's hand. She looked down at them, smiling softly. "I'm sure they'll really miss her," She said, getting her other hand and putting it on top of our hands intertwined.

I sighed again. I missed Drew. I wonder what he would think of this. I still think he's not dead. Like he'll show up at any time and say, "Surprise! I just wanted to scare the fuck out of you," Then I would hit him and tell him lame joke, asshole. And everything would be all right and nothing would hurt.

"What are you thinking about?" She asks me. "My brother," I look at her in the eyes, and all I want to do is kiss her.

I haven't known her long enough, but she isn't like everyone else here. She doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve, or almost beg people to feel sorry for her. She knows exactly what to say to make my heart flutter.

And then I realize, I'm turning into a freaking sap. Score one for Torres.

"What about him?" She asks me. "I have a brother too," She adds. I can use this to keep her asking about mine.

"Oh, really? Where is he?" I ask her, trying to sound genuinely interested. "He's probably in New York, having the time of his life. He actually was the one who sent me here…" She looks away, like she's been slapped. I see her using her hand to cover up half her face.

"What is it?" I sense that something is bad. Does he beat her?

"I don't blame him," She says, her voice strained. "I'm crazy," She adds.

I take her hand away from her face, "I think we all are,"

[**Then]**

They really had no idea why they were doing this.

The knives were sharpened, and Anna was happy. Of course she was. Adam was thoroughly convinced she was crazy.

"Okay, I think its ready." She smiled at him. He was only eleven. He had no idea what the fuck was going on. He gave Anna a confused look. "Well, let me see," She said, extending her hand.

He shook his head and started to protest. "I don't think this is such a good idea." He told her bluntly. She looked at him, and rolled her eyes. "Really?" Her voice squeaked. That was never a good thing.

Adam closed his eyes as he let her have his hand. She put the blade on his wrist and was looking for a starting mark. "Okay, don't scream," Anna, said. Adam just nodded.

He put the cloth in his mouth as she slid it across, carving an A. He bit down hard as the knife went across. She had a faint smile on his lips. She really was crazy! He thought.

The blood was coming out in rivers, and they only had a few towels. Anna really didn't think this through. She looked around for something but found nothing. She sighed as she stood up and took her shirt off and wrapped it around Adam's hand.

"Better?" She whispered. Adam just nodded.

"I don't really trust you doing this to me," She said. "So I'm going to do it," She removed her bracelets and took the knife and carved two AA's on her wrist.

"Take your shirt off," Anna demanded. Adam shook his head. No, he wasn't comfortable. He can't and he won't. "Just do it, its just me, God," She yelled. Adam removed the shirt that was on his hand and got up taking his off. All he had was the raps and a sports bra on.

He hated being exposed. She looked at him for a long time as she nursed her wounds.

No, she wasn't crazy. Just psychotic.

**-Eli**

**[Six years ago.]**

Julia's mom and the Goldsworthy had planned this trip for months. They had decided to use their timeshare in Whistler, Canada. The skiing and snowboarding was great, and even though all of Canada was breath taken, they came for the scenery.

It was New Years Eve, and the parents had gone down to the lodge where the count down was taking place. They decided to leave the kids here for the night, giving them a bottle of sparkling cider to hold them over for a while.

"Can you change the channel?" Eli sighed. He hated watching these pointless boy drama shows. It just made no sense to him. Julia stuck her tongue out at him. "Oh, you know you enjoy it Goldsworthy, don't lie to me."

He rolled his eyes as he put his feet up on the coffee table. He wanted to go have fun, do something that didn't involve the inside of their hotel room. They had strict rules for staying in here though. He thought it was pretty ridiculous.

He looked over at her profile, she was smiling at something on the TV.

He loved her smile, the crinkle in her eyes, and the sound of her laugh. He loved that she was the only one who got his odd sense of humor…. AND WHAT THE FUCK?

He looked away, getting up. "I'm um. Going to go get some water." He coughed as he went into the kitchen.

It was like she wasn't the same girl anymore. He could only focus on her looks. She was different in his eyes, and she made him feel… weird. Not him. He just wanted to touch her, or kiss her. That's all that was on his mind. But how?

His nerves were kicking up, and his breath was shaky. This is stupid. This was not him. Who was he? He hit the fridge.

"Everything okay in there Dr. Doom?" She teased him. Stop doing that, he thought. She was making him laugh. And he hated it.

"I spilled water," He said, dumping the water on the ground. He wanted her to come over there.

"Then clean it up, weirdo." She snorted. "Butterfingers," She added. He rolled his eyes. "Hilarious, Julia," Saying her name gave him a funny feeling inside. He secretly liked it.

"But can you help me?" He said, almost begged. She rolled her eyes and got up from the couch. "Okay, baby," She mocked him grabbing two towels. One for him and one for her. "Start cleaning, I'm not doing this all by myself," She laughed.

He sat in a dry spot and started to scrub. She looked up at him, and he was just staring at her. "What?" She asked self-consciously.

"You have pretty eyes," He commented, going back to his work. His fingers tingled wanting to touch her, he felt like he couldn't breathe.

Once she finished her side, she moved over to where she was by him. He put his arm around her, and she smiled at him. He looked at her with… longing.

"Okay, I think we're good," She sighed, getting up. "Yeah," He said, his voice exasperated.

Once Julia sat down, he made sure to move closer to her this time. He did the stupid fake a yawn to give him an excuse to put his arm around he, but she didn't seem to mind. She felt that it was comforting.

"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!" And it was midnight, a new year. "Julia," He breathed, she looked at him, and he kissed her.

[**Now**]

"I don't get it," She breathed.

"Neither do I." I rubbed her arm. It left a sting on my fingertips.

"I'm sorry," She started to get up, but I pulled her back. "It's okay, Clare," I said.

She was almost on my lap, and we were still in the hall. Three hours later and we were still in the hall. Today had been a weird day since the girls death. Or I guess it would be, suicide. I cringed at the word.

"_We almost did it,"_

I try to even out my breathing. "What's wrong?" She asked me. I got up, and she came with me. "I, uh, need to go to my room,"

My heart was beating fast, I felt like I was going to explode. I felt a coming panic attack, I had these so much that I knew when it was coming.

"See you at dinner," I told her.

"Yeah, bye," She said, turning around. I saw Jeremiah walk towards her, and I feel a pan of jealousy.

Its good that she doesn't like me. I kill everyone I love.

**What did you guys think? This was a lighter chapter in my opinion. **

**I am not trying to be pushy, but I'm at 46 reviews, do you think we can make it to fifty? That would make my day! If you could, perhaps review so I can get to that goal? If you don't that's cool, I at least hope you enjoyed it. **

**R&R.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Guess what? I updated. Faster than you guys thought, huh? Ha ha. See what I did there? Okay, enough of being stupid. **

**This specific chapter is more of filler and it takes a week after the last chapter just to let you know. My apologies that it's so short, but like I said, its just filler. **

**I was in a writing mood today I either thought of updating this or Things I Never Said. I decided this. By the way, THANKS SO MUCH for getting me to fifty-four freaking reviews. Do you think we can make it to sixty? I hope so, that would be pretty sick. **

**So, this was really sad for me to write. Especially Adam's part. And Julia at the end of the chapter. Warning I guess. You might not like it. **

**I do not own Degrassi.**

-**Detective Jen.**

Her alarm clock woke her up. She sighed, as she got up, rubbing her eyeballs. Yawning, she went over to her phone charger and looked to see if she had voicemails. She did. She touched the screen and brought it up to her ear. One voicemail was from her doctor. She rolled her eyes as she deleted it. Then another one from her work.

She finished getting dressed as she made her way downstairs, getting into her car.

When she got to the office, she was immediately given a folder, and she read the label, and looked at the picture. Detective Jen was still working on this case.

She didn't like him nor did she hate him. She couldn't pick sides, that wouldn't be professional.

"Never seen a case like this," Loski muttered. She nodded. "Here are the two pictures. One of the girl and one of the boy." She pulled out the picture, and she studied it.

She then turned to Loski, and he was still paying attention to the pictures. "We did the lie test. He seemed to pass it."

Detective Jen turned to him and rolled her eyes. "He's a good liar. Plus you can't always trust a damn machine." She said, her voice bitter.

"Did you know that he got in a fight?" Loski said, looking at her profile. "Any bruises?" She whispers. "Other than a bruised arm and a bloody nose, no."

"Hmm," She said.

Looks like Detective Jen had to visit Mr. Goldsworthy soon. She had more questions to ask.

**-Clare**

"And why would you do that to yourself?"

I waited for her answer. The girl shook her head. "It was better than fighting people." She shrugged. "True, but that's not healthy for you," I told her, smiling. "You shouldn't destroy your body,"

She just nodded. "Well, its time that you go to your shadow," I got up from my seat and made my way out the door with her. "Have a good day," I told her. She just nodded again.

I understand that people are uncomfortable to talk to me. I wouldn't want to spill all my secrets to someone I don't know. But it puts me down that they think I wouldn't understand.

"Edwards," I turned around. It was Jeremiah.

The past week he was getting more and more closer to me, and it was starting to make me feel uncomfortable. He was nice, of course. No denying how nice and caring he seemed to be. What I've learned was everyone had a mask, and everyone hid it well.

I spotted Adam heading over to the cafeteria, I caught up with him. He seemed happier now. A lot happier than before… I wanted to ask him more questions about the stuff he knew about K.C. that I didn't know. But I didn't want him to know that I went out with him.

"Hey," I smiled at him. He smiled back, and nodded. "How are you?" He asked me, getting in line. "I'm okay. How about you?" I was better than last week. After Samantha's death. It affected more than it should have. I wondered why it had. Maybe it was my breaking point. But the urge was still there…

"I'm a lot better," He said. He looked over to the other line. "Ah, Fiona Coyne," I winked at him. He shoved me a little. "Shut up… oh, wait, is that Eli I see," He looked past me. I whipped my head around. "Kidding!" He snorted, and I turned around and blushed.

"Looks like I'm not the only one," He said playfully. "I uh… don't know what you're talking about," My mood changed, and suddenly I wanted to be alone. I didn't like where this was going.

"I saw him hold you Clare. I'm not blind." He smiled again. "Adam stop," I said, moving back.

I didn't know what my feelings for Eli were. I didn't even know if I had those feelings for him. I felt like he was my rebound or something. And by the looks of it, he seemed to have gone through a lot. It's not like he told me anything… I wanted to know more about him, and I wanted him to know me. But there are some things that I am not ready to talk about.

"Okay, don't need to get all ass hurt." Adam turned around, moving up. "Sorry, I just…. I don't know." The tears stung my eyes, but I wasn't going to cry. Not here and not in front of these people that I was suppose to be strong for. Especially the people I listen to.

"Where is Eli, anyways?" I asked Adam. He shrugged. "I'm not Eli's keeper." He said, moving up some more.

I didn't really feel like eating, so I decided to go to my room. When I got there, I found Eli sitting by my door. "Uh, what are you doing here?" I asked.

He looked up from his comic book. "Waiting for you," He said, looking back down. "Why?" I asked. He moved over a bit and gestured that I sit next to him.

"Where's your shadow?" I asked him. He leaned towards me and whispered. "I killed her." I froze, shivers running down my spine. The way he said it freaked me out.

"Clare, I'm kidding." He laughed at me. I scooted over a bit, to give us some space. "I told her that Jeremiah sent me here to deliver a message. She's stupid enough to believe me," He flipped the page.

"You're never going to get out of her if you keep bending the rules." I told him, playing with my hands.

"Oh, don't worry. I'm not the type to listen to rules." He flipped the page again. "Well, that's nice," I sighed.

He put the comic book back and looked at me, at least that's what I could see from the corner of my eye. "What's wrong?" He asked me. A lot of things, I wanted to say. "I just miss home… and someone."

He went rigid. "Oh, a boyfriend?" He asked, I tried to not look at him. I shook my head. "I wouldn't say boyfriend," He's dead he's dead. I wanted to say. I can't believe it… I'm not over it. I'm not over him.

"Oh, your mom?" He asked me. I shook my head. "Someone I use to have a lot of respect for." I wouldn't say respect, but I lied. He took my hand. I looked at our hands.

This wasn't romantic. This was just friendship. That's all I wanted. "I understand." I don't know why, I believed him.

**[Then]**

Clare met him at a party when they were thirteen. She secretly thought he was cute, but she would never make a move, or do anything about it. She was too nervous, and it felt too awkward. She didn't understand why she had this weird attraction towards him. But she seemingly did.

"Clare, this is K.C." Alli said, pushing her to him. She froze, stopping right at her toes. "Hi," She breathed, walking back. "I'm Clare," She blurted. She wanted to smack herself. What an idiot.

"Do you want to sit down and talk?" He asked her with a smile. She nodded at the boy with the beanie. "I would like that," She said with a smile, braces and all.

"Good," He said, sitting down.

**-Adam**

"So, what did you think of lunch?" I asked Fiona. She shrugged. "It was okay." She didn't say anything about how it was too many calories, I knew something was up.

"What is it?" I asked, my sensitive side kicking in. She made me feel real. Whenever she smiled at me I felt… warm and good inside.

"Nothing," She smiled at me, taking my hand. I nodded and tried to shake it off. She held her cheek again.

"Why do you do that?" I asked her. "Do what?" She lowered her hand. "Hold your cheek?" I said rather blunt. "Oh, I don't know."

I wasn't taking this crap from the two people I cared about. Clare did it to me this morning. "I think you do," I said, crossing my arms.

"You know nothing," She told me, coldly. "You're right I don't…" I looked down feeling bad. I shouldn't judge. But I do care… I hate people in pain.

Fiona walked over to me, and touched my cheek. "Maybe someday, I'll tell you everything." Then she leaned in and kissed my cheek.

**[Then]**

Adam's birthday was today. He was officially a teenager. He snuck out of his house and went into the backyard, bringing his tools.

He lit the clip and pressed it on his skin. He wanted to scream. No matter how many times he did this, it still hurt him.

"Hey," Anna said, coming up from behind him. He jumped. "Ah, burning yourself." She said, in a solemn tone. This surprised Adam. "Yeah…" He whispered, dropping the clip.

"Come here," Anna took Adam's hand and they went to "their" spot. The creek was a hideaway for them. A place where both could be themselves. Over the past few years, Anna had changed. Anna changed a lot, actually. She was more quiet and less annoying. Her mother had prescribed her pills and she was "normal" as normal Anna could be.

"I want to ask you something," Anna said, looking down, messing with her skirt. "What's that?" Adam looked over to his house, wondering if his parents were looking for him. They were going out to dinner with the family pretty soon.

"I want to have sex," Anna whispered. Adam looked at her with… disgust. "What?" He exasperated. "I want my first time to be with you," She walked up to him, taking his hand.

Adam just barely had the talk not too long ago. It was getting dark, and the lights were turning on in the distance. "Please?" Anna begged. Adam backed away, slowly. "I can't." He whispered, tears were stinging his eyes. "But I love you," Anna said.

Adam didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to respond. He stepped closer and Anna made the first move.

When they were finished, Adam walked back, shaking and crying. He was hurt. His innocence lost.

**-Eli**

I went to my group therapy with my shadow after talking with Clare. People swore that we liked each other. I didn't deny anything on my part. I didn't know what my feelings were. The only thing I noticed was, I was actually feeling something for the first time.

I ran into Adam. He looked at me with shock still. I pulled him aside in the hall. "I meant what I said in the bathroom. I haven't told anyone." I patted him on the back and called, "If you need to get rid of the ball and chain, you can always talk to me," I teased; referring to the girl beside him who I'm guessing is his girlfriend.

He smiled at me and nodded. "Dually noted!" He called. I smiled for the second time today. But when I walked in to group session all that went away.

I didn't hate these guys; just a lot of them pissed me off. But then again, I never really liked people to begin with. I rather be alone than surrounded by people who don't give a shit about you.

I sat in my spot in the circle playing with my hands until our counselor came in. All the guys stared at her huge ass as she walked over to her seat. Of course, she even wore a tight skirt.

"I feel like we need to approach the subject… a lot of girls come here due to past experiences." I sighed. This should be interesting. "Rape and sex. And the difference."

I nodded. This was a good topic. Most guys I knew didn't know why girls said no. I never understood. "Who wants to share a personal experience?"

We went around the room. I kept quiet on my part. People didn't need to know my sex life. It wasn't that great either. For a really long time I couldn't be intimate with Julia until we were somewhat older or when she finally got over herself.

"What is rape?" She then asked. I questioned myself, what is rape?

[**Then]**

"I love you," Eli said, leaning in and kissing Julia again. She laughed. "You're a fucking sap," She said, smiling at him. "I hate you then," He kissed her on the lips again.

Julia pulled away. "My lips are swollen, stupid," She laughed again, musing his air. "Ah, are you matching my hair to look like yours?" Eli said. Julia looked in the closest reflection. "Oh God. It looks terrible," She laughed. "Its called makeout hair," Eli poked her side. Julia froze.

"What?" Eli said. "Nothing," She went over to his side and cuddled him.

Though Eli was thirteen he had fallen for Julia fast and he couldn't see himself with anyone else other than her. But this wasn't just puppy love. Everyone else wanted this, he wanted this. Though Julia never said it out loud, she was still unsure about the whole thing.

She had her sex drives of course, and Eli was the perfect tool to take those "weird feelings" as she called them, out on. He didn't care. Well, he didn't even know.

"Okay, my mom is expecting me home now." She got up. He grabbed her wrist and she burst into tears. "Let me go," She squealed. So he did, getting up and walking towards to her.

"What did I do?" He asked her, in a panicky tone. She collapsed in his arms. "Nothing, just nothing." She softly cried into his chest. She was safe now. Eli wouldn't hurt her.

She moved away from him, and he grabbed her shoulder this time. "I'm here okay?" And he forced his lips onto her this time.

She walked away, feeling nothing. She had no feelings for him. At least not like that.

**What did you think? Review and tell me what you thought please! (Other than "update!" haha.) **


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry I haven't updated. **

**But I made it up to you with an extra long chapter. This took me five hours to type. Haha. Anyways…**

**Dedicated to: As-We-Danced013. Your review made my entire week. I don't think you realize how much of an impact that had on me. Trust me, you're not alone. **

**Enjoy this chapter and don't forget to review…**

**I do not own Degrassi.**

**Clare**

I woke up in a panic. I wondered where I was at, and then I remembered.

It had been a long week. Nothing made much sense anymore. I really wish I could go home. I feel homesick. This is partly my fault; I haven't really tried getting a hold of either of my parents. Its not like they tried to get a hold of me either….

I get up and get ready for the day, and stretch. I seemed a little stiff and I just didn't want to go back to sleep anymore. My dreams were getting weirder and weirder.

I keep having this reoccurring dream that someone is touching me… sometimes I even feel it happen. But I know I'm dreaming…. Or at least I think I'm dreaming. I can't tell anymore…

A knock at my door, I jump a little, but I hurry and get clothed. Cora comes in and smiles. "Hey," I whisper. She smiles still and sits on the edge of the bed. "How are you?"

She asks me this with a concerned look on her face. Honestly, I don't know what to feel anymore. In honest truth, I feel dead. I just don't want to keep living anymore… because it hurts all over again when I think about the two deaths that have happened in my life, and around the same time. I don't know how much more I can handle….

I shrug, and tell her, "I don't know what I'm suppose to feel." I smooth my skirt out a little. Trying to busy my hands by doing so.

"Well, why don't you take a break?" She suggests. I shrug again. "That's not how I work… I have to be doing something," I tell her. Her smile fades. "That's not healthy," She shakes her head.

Screw healthy, I want to tell her. Instead I just nod. "I'll think about it… but right now I have to go give the kids their pills," I push past her, walking fast towards the kitchen. The line has already started. I go past some kids and run over some on accident. "Sorry," I mumble.

God, I'm such an idiot… I think to myself. I'm supposed to be strong… but I can't be strong for them for much longer. The days are growing longer, and I'm really tired. I want someone to hold me, but the person who was supposed to hold me is dead… and never coming back.

Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel so guilty? I always have this guilt in my stomach for so many unknown reasons. I didn't kill him, why do I feel guilty. And dirty…

When I get to the pills, I start handing them the pills and the little cups of water and watch as they gulp it down, throwing the cups in the trash.

I smile at a few of them who look alive and awake. "Have a nice day," I say to some. Then there are the people who think they're oh so cool. Too bad, they're still taking the pills.

"Hey," Adam smiles at me. I raise an eyebrow. "Where's your lady friend?" I ask, giving him the pills. He shrugs. "I think she's a few people behind me,"

I nod. "Are you guys okay?" I ask him. He nods quickly, "Yeah, we just didn't want people to notice how much we're spending together," He blushes a little.

"Well, I think you guys are pretty obvious. But don't worry, my lips are sealed," I laugh and wink at him as he moves along.

I didn't know much about Adam; all I knew was that he seemed like a great friend, and very caring person. He was also funny, and gentlemanly. Not many guys have that in them at once. But he was different. And I liked that about them.

"Try to look alive, Edwards. You're slacking,"

I laughed briefly, "Says the guy with bed head hair," I smile at Eli, handing him the pills. I wait for him to put the pills in his mouth. "Yeah, well," He says after.

As he leaves, he flings a piece of paper at me, and I pick it up off the ground. I put in my pocket for later, and I give the next person their pills.

An hour later, I go to the bathroom to freshen up and I take the note out of my pocket.

_Meet me at the gym at twelve am._

_Eli_

It read. I smiled briefly, and then I threw it in the trash. What was I doing? I sighed as I got out of the stall.

I didn't know anything about him. But somehow, I trusted him. A lot. Like he wouldn't hurt me, or something….

[**Then]**

Clare had slept over at Alli's. They were going to a party on behalf of Johnny. That was the only reason why they were really going.

Clare was nervous. Not really wanting to go. She'd rather sit on Alli's bed talking about guys and reading the latest teen magazines. Parties weren't Clare's thing. Especially after Darcy and her… rape.

To say the least, parties freaked her out, but Alli persuaded her by saying, "K.C. is going to be there," Smiling huge at Clare, and gripping her arm.

"Okay, okay," Clare said, blushing a little at her small crush on the Guthrie boy.

As they snuck out Alli's window, Clare felt an adrenaline run through her, and she was actually really excited.

They meet Johnny at the park and they got in his car and they left.

On the way there Alli and Johnny were talking to each other, absorbing each other's company. Clare was in the back, looking out the window at the sky. It looked like it was about to rain, or snow. Either was fine with her. Clare did enjoy the snow and the rain. She liked the idea of the sky being cleaned and such.

"Earth to Clare," Alli said. Clare looked at her, a little puzzled. "Yeah? Oh, we're here," She mumbled, opening her door and heading out of the car.

"This so excited," Alli squealed, and Clare rolled her eyes.

"Hey, Johnny!" A guy with a red cup said, yelling at Johnny, walking down the stairs and pulling him in a hug. "Who are these ladies?" The guy slurred.

Johnny looked at him and shook his head. "My dates," He laughed, going in and shaking his head again. "Just be careful who you talk to," Johnny warned, opening the door.

A heat wave hit them. "Whoa," Alli coughed. The stench really hit them. The smell of beer and cigarettes attacking their faces. Clare looked away and coughed.

"You okay?" She looked up and saw the K.C. was standing over her. She nodded, and smiled up at him. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just the smell is kind of repulsing," She whispered. K.C. nodded and took her hand. "Then lets go outside and talk." He said, pushing past a few people.

This was nice. Clare liked this, and for once, she was… happy.

**-Adam**

"Adam," my counselor said, taking off her glasses. "We haven't really talked about your… self harm," She said, cleaning the lenses.

"I think now is the perfect time," She smiled at me softly. I shrugged. "You don't think so?" She asked. I didn't really know what to do. I just shrugged.

"Okay, lets start out small. When did you first start to burn yourself?"

Too personal. Too many memories.

"Okay, never mind…. First best friend?"

Two people pop in my brain.

"Jim and Anna," I said quietly.

"And why are they your best friends?" She asked me, sounding intrigued.

"They're not anymore." I coughed.

She raised an eyebrow, "You're being rather elusive. We have to try to get over this barrier you're trapping yourself in…. come on Adam, I need some more details."

She slumped back in her chair. I just shook her head. "Drew," I whispered.

"He was my first best friend," He died with my secrets. I feel bad about that. The people I love should never die with heavy secrets like mine. It just isn't… right.

"And why was Drew so special to you?" She asked and smiled again.

"Because he actually cared for me," I told her. She jotted that down in her book. "Well he sounds wonderful," She told me.

"Yeah, he was," I whispered… he's no longer here. No longer breathing. No longer able to love, no longer able to feel pain. To feel sadness and joy. He's dead. He's actually really dead.

"Did he know about you burning yourself?" She asked softly.

I nodded.

**Later**

I walked with my shadow to go get lunch. I met up with Fiona. She smiled at me and walked with my down the line.

"How was counseling?" I asked her, picking up and apple. "Ugh, the same as always. Long and very boring," She told me.

I nodded. "Mine was interesting." And that was all I was going to say on the matter.

"Where do you want to sit?" She asked me. I was looking around. "Lets sit by Eli." I suggested. She looked at me, quizzically. "He's most likely dressed in all black and sitting alone," I told her.

I really wanted to get to know this guy. Especially since he's been really cool about keeping my secret.

"That guy?" She pointed from across the cafeteria. I smiled and nodded. "That's him." I pulled her hand and she held it. I smiled at her hands as we went down to go sit next to him.

My shadow and Fiona's sat somewhere else. I was grateful for that. I really liked holding her hand and I didn't want any disturbances during this lunch meeting.

"Hey," I said, setting the plate down across from him.

Eli looked up surprised. "Uh, hey, Adam…. And?" He looked over, and I said, "Fiona," I smiled.

He nods. "I see," He coughs. I noticed that our hands are still intertwined. I let go of her hand. "Can we sit here?" I ask him.

He nods, scooting over. "Go ahead. Considering you already sat your food down and everything. I wouldn't want to be an asshole or whatever," he said, laughing a little.

"I think it's impossible for you NOT to be an asshole," I laughed.

"Oh, you have no idea," He shook his head, chuckling a little.

Fiona sat down next to Eli, and I slid so I could be across from her.

"Oh, is this okay?" Fiona asked him. He shrugs. "I really don't care," He said, putting his comic away. I tried to look at the title but I didn't get to see it.

"So, where's Clare?" I asked, eating a piece of pizza. Eli shrugs. "I don't know." He said, looking down. "I bet Jeremiah is scheming a way to get in her pants though," He shook his head, looking honestly concerned.

"You got that weird vibe, too," Fiona mumbled. I looked up at her, raising an eyebrow.

"You felt that, too?" Eli said, looking at her. Fiona nodded, peeling her orange. "Yeah, I don't know. I just don't get a good feeling from him." She said, now eating the orange.

"I thought he was nice," I shrug.

Eli looks at me for a second. "What?" I ask self-conscience. He shakes his head. "Nothing," He eats his piece of pizza.

All of a sudden, his mood changes. I think I pissed him off. That's great. I pissed my only guy friend off.

[**Then]**

They held hands when they walked around the park. He didn't know why he put up with this shit. He didn't even like Anna in that way, he didn't think it was possible. He had just thirteen.

"What do you want to do today?" She asked him. He shrugged. "I don't know."

God he was tired. So, so tired. He just wanted to sleep for a million years and never get out of bed. Everyday, things would get less and less interesting. His joy just… wasn't there anymore. He saw Drew less, and it wasn't like Drew was begging for some hang out time.

Fuck him then, Adam thought. His own brother.

Whatever though. He didn't need his brother. He had…. Anna. He sighed. He was such a loner. He needed more friends than this.

"Well?" Anna sighed. He shrugged. "I don't know," He sighed again. Can she just shut up for a second? Damn, he was getting a headache.

"I say we go back to my house. My mom and dad are gone," She laughed as she pulled him to the direction of her house, which wasn't too far away.

"And do what?" He asked. He didn't think he was ready to have sex again. She was such a sex monster. Her hormones drove her mad. Adam had them too, but he found ways to control it. And at the times he had sex drives he was terrified of them.

"I don't know. Bleed ourselves?"

This sounded appealing to him. He could get use to that. Any pain was good for him.

When they did get to her house she looked the doors and closed the shutters so no one could look through the windows or anything.

"Let me go get the stuff," She said, going into her room. Adam sat down on the couch, wanting to just sleep. But he never felt safe here. This was a huge house and he was afraid to be sucked in it and never finding a way out. Especially if Anna was the tour guide.

Anna besides his mom scared him shitless.

"Got it," She entered the room. This time she brought a black towel for them this time. They were getting smarter with this stuff.

"Okay, let me see your arm," She said. Adam rolled up his sleeve.

"Actually, just take your whole shirt off. We can find new places. That way its not always in the same area," Anna looked at him. Adam was panicking. His… lady parts had grown…. He hated saying it, but his boobs were the problem. He would feel way over exposed.

"Well come on. We don't have all day," She sighed.

Adam had a choice he had to make.

He sighed as he got up and unbuttoned his shirt, leaving it on the floor.

"Lay down," Anna commanded. He did as told. He then spread himself across the couch, closing his eyes.

Anna unwrapped him, and she saw his breast. She stared a little, but then shook her head as she got the knife and started to cut at her stomach.

Adam yelled, and Anna covered his mouth.

"I'm not going to hurt you," She whispered.

**-Eli**

"How are your counseling meetings going?" My parole officer pulled me aside.

"They're going good," I sighed, trying to look him in the eye. He was nice enough. Not an asshole or something. "Really?" He asks me. Well no, that's why I said they're going good. I wanted to say that. Instead, "I don't exactly no what you mean by 'going good' but they're fine. I'm not being an asshole or something,"

Well, trying not to be at least.

"Are you talking?" How is this relevant to the shit I did back home?

"Not really. And one question, what does this have to do with my 'crimes', sir?" I asked him, backing away a little.

He shrugged, "Its general facts I need to know. Any fights?" He asked him.

Well shit.

That dumbass Fitzy guy. But does that count?

"Uh, I had kind of a brawl? If it's an consolation, he fought like a girl," I snorted and then smirked up at him. My parole officer nodded, jotting that down in his little notebook.

"What… what is being determined back home?" I asked, looking down. My stomach was in knots already. I wanted to throw up. "Am I going to jail? Did they convict me of manslaughter?" I asked. I was holding my self.

He looked at me. "Or the suicide thing… do they think I killed her?" Oh God, I was getting sick.

"Well, Elijah, your fingerprints were on the gun," He grimaces at me. But I didn't do it.

"I wouldn't worry about it. For now, you're okay." He reassured me, walking away.

Ugh, I hate this feeling. This guilt that never, ever goes away. It's just always there.

I walked down to my room with the other 'troubled' kids. Another day.

"How nice of you to join us, Eli," The lady said.

"Yeah well, it wasn't like I had a choice," I mumbled going to sit in a chair. I slumped in my sleep wanting today to be over so I can see Clare later tonight.

I keep thinking about her, and the more I think about her, the more I think I might like her. Or have some kind of feelings for her. I don't really like that I have this feeling for her. I shouldn't deserve to be happy. I killed three people. THREE. PEOPLE.

The shock hasn't hit me yet. But we all know its all my fault. If I didn't try so hard I wouldn't be here. The families would be safe, and they would be living their lives. I would be the cynical bastard sitting alone in my dark room.

"So, I think we had a good month. Lets do something new: lets do open subject."

I stared around the room. All the guys shrugged. Apparently this lady was the only one excited for this open subject thing. Well good for her. As long as she's happy, right?

At this point I'm trying to hold in my laughter.

"Is there something you'd like to talk about Eli?" She asks me. The guys all turn to stare at me.

"Oh I don't think you want to know what's cooking in this fucked brain of mine," I laughed.

"Language!" She warned. I put my hands up in defeat. "Apologies," I laughed some more.

"Suicide," The nerd of the group whispered. I know, kind of harsh for labeling him. I'm sure I've already been labeled many things.

"Okay, let's talk about suicide. Anyone brave enough to give a personal testimony?" She asked.

I look away; too personal.

**Later**

I sneak past everyone as I head to the gym and hide under the bleachers.

I wait for a few minutes.

"Hey," I hear a whisper. In the dark, I can barely make out Clare's face. I smile to myself. She came.

"Hey," I say, getting out of the way so she can sit down next to me.

"I'm glad you came," I told her. She shrugs. "I had nothing better to do," She says. Her mouth is so close to my ear, I shudder. I can feel her breath caress my right cheek.

"So, what are we doing under here?" She asks. In honesty, I don't know.

"Just to hang out and talk," I say.

"Ah, I see…" She mumbles.

"Truth or dare?" I ask her.

**[Then]**

"I can't believe we're getting this," Julia muttered under breath.

"This is so stupid," She added. Eli just laughed, as he held her hand out of the library. They walked a bit of ways before Julia pulled it out of her coat.

"The book of sex," Julia said bluntly. "Allow me," Eli said, taking it from her grasp. In secret, Eli bought this to look just at the pictures.

"You're keeping this thing at your house. If my mom finds it, I'm a dead lady," She says, already fearing.

"Hey," Eli stopped her. And he leaned into her, and kissed her softly. "I'll handle it,"

Of course he would.

They then walked to his house. On some parts Eli would read aloud and laugh. Julia just shook her head. She did not find humor in this. Instead she held her stomach. She didn't feel too good. She hated the word sex. She hated anything sexual. It made her want to scream.

Sometimes she thought about what happened that day and it would send her in a panic attack. She didn't know what to tell him. He wouldn't know what to do anyways.

Right now she was on the verge of a panic attack. She felt it coming, but she tried to settle her breathing. In… out. In…. out.

Eli closed the book and took her hand and led her up his stairs. "After you," He smiled, opening the door.

She rolled her eyes as she went in.

Eli and Julia walked up the stairs into Eli's bedroom. He smiled at her as they made their way to his bed. "What do you want to do?" She asked, her voice quivering.

"I don't know," Eli mumbled.

He then pinned her down to the bed and she started to cry. She couldn't breathe.

**What do you think? **

**I have a new story up, its called Inexcusable. IF you want to check it out that would be pretty cool. It kind of has a theme like this but a little different…. **

**So, review please. A writer loves reviews. **

**And tell me what you thought and your new theories. =) **


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey guys. Sorry I haven't updated in forever. Some stuff has been going on at home, I got side tracked. But to those of you who have read my other stuff, I updated Things I Never Said. That one is easier because they're one-shots. Anyway. Sorry. I got to interview another cop and a detective, plus a crime scene investigation. I told them a little about Eli's storyline. They gave me a lot of info on what I could do. AND they said I had a really morbid warped mind but it sounded pretty kickass. It thought that was cool.**

**Here's the next chapter. Don't hate me… hahahaha.**

**Btw, a lot of credit goes to As_we_danced013, she has been pushing me for a while to update this. Ha. That's all. **

**I do not own Degrassi.**

**-Clare.**

"Clare?" Jeremy had walked in the nurse's office and I jumped a little. I looked at him and smiled. "Hey." I walked over to the sink and turned the water on, waiting for it to be warm.

"I wanted to talk to you about something." He stepped near me to a point where we were inches apart.

"When I was young my took a wet towel, twisted it and whipped me with it. That happened to me after I got in trouble. It was sort of like a punishment. I really didn't know why she would do such a thing, but she did."

I looked at him and I was a bit confused of why he was telling me this, but I put my hand on his shoulder in encouragement.

"And when that stopped she would get out an actual leather whip, pull my pants down and whip with it to a point where I bled. She would tell me she loved me and that she punishes the ones she loved."

He stopped for a brief moment, "Sometimes she'd whip both sides. It sucks, huh? I was young and it hurt really badly. Soon it got to a point where my dad brought me to the hospital and my mom fled Canada and lived somewhere in California."

He took my hand and held it. "And I wondered why would my mom do that? I mean what did I do that was so bad?"

He moved closer to where my back was right up against the counter. "I mean shouldn't I deserve love, too? Or am I damned in that area?"

His face, his lips were ghosting mine and my breath was hiking up. "You remind me of my mom. She was an honest woman, innocent, but she loved to torture me."

And then he kissed me, forcing me to open up and pour myself in him. Oh God, is this happening? Tears were running down each of our faces, and he gripped my hips, pushing me up against the counter, harder. My back was aching. His hands then slowly went down my hips curving around my back and going down. I tried to push him away, but I couldn't move.

I've been in this situation before. As many times I would try and block the memory out it came back. And my nightmare was coming back to life. I knew not to scream or say anything. If I did, I would be in trouble.

Jeremiah lifted me up and sat me on the counter. My tears were going in my mouth, and then… his tongue.

I'm helpless.

**Later.**

"You know what I don't get? Why they give us pizza on a Friday. I figured that they would keep on giving us good meals, but doesn't look like it." Adam threw the bread over to the side.

"You complain too much," Eli laughed leaning back. "Well, I'm sorry, I'm not masochistic."

Fiona laughed at Adam's remark and she turned toward me. "You okay, Clare? You look kind of sick." She grimaced at me.

I perked up a bit and nodded. "Yeah I had a long day today. Jeremiah had a lot of things for me to do today…" I looked down at my shaking hands.

I could feel Eli's eyes on me but from under the table he put his hand on my knee and I jumped up and said, "Well this was great guys. But I promised Cora I'd help her with some paper work. It looks like your shadows want you anyways," I pointed to them and everyone at the table sighed.

Fiona and Adam left and I was heading to put my plate over to the drop of. Eli followed me but I ignored him. "I'm sorry for touching you Saint Clare." He sighed. "I didn't think it'd be that big a deal."

I nodded. "It's fine." I gave him a smile.

Eli laughed and got closer. "You're a terrible liar."

"And you're an ignorant as- jerk." I huffed.

A smirk was playing around his lips and he sighed annoyed. "You were going to say that I was an ignorant asshole, weren't you?" He stared at me this time.

Jeremiah was staring at me from across the room.

"Eli, please," I begged, tears formulating in my eyes. I just needed to get out of here.

He then got out of my way silently.

I kept moving and when I looked back he was gone.

**[Then]**

"I like your glasses," KC commented, looking at them. Clare sat on her bed and shrugged. "They're okay," In honesty, she hated them, and she wanted to look pretty.

True beauty comes from within.

"I mean, you look fine without them," KC put them back on and moved the hair off her shoulder. "You look fine." He smiled, moving closer to her.

"My mom is in her room." Clare warned, inching closer to KC. "Then be quiet." KC said, kissing her neck, Clare closed her eyes. This was still new to her. She loved to kiss KC, it was one of the best things in the world, but she hated what else he did, but she couldn't say no.

KC had moved her to where she was lying down and he got on top of her. They had flirted with second base, but Clare was still a little hesitant.

And usually after an intense make out session, Clare would crawl up on her side and cry a little. Not because KC hurt her, not that he was trying to, but because she just… wasn't ready.

**-Adam.**

"Hey!" Someone had come up from behind me and then knocked my legs out from under me. What the hell? I thought, and then I was being dragged into a closet, and then my mouth was covered.

My thoughts were: I'm going to die.

For a second I didn't open my eyes. And then I felt a swipe to my face and then I knew I needed to give up and not try. I had gone through this before. I started getting light headed because I was being a punch bag and blood made me queasy.

"HEY!" Another voice called and then I heard more fighting in this small closet. I peaked and I saw that Eli was holding the guy by the collar. "Get out of here, Fitz!" He yelled throwing him against the wall. I shook my head. Was I dreaming?

I tried to get up but my side hurt and I didn't feel strong enough for it…. After all the yelling and the punching Fitz had left the closet.

"Fucking homophobe." Eli said, straightening his jacket and then bending down. "You okay, dude?" He asked me and took a look at my head and my side.

"Maybe we should take you to the nurse." He told me and I shook my head violently. "No!" I yelled at him and then got into a sitting position. "Why not?" He interjected, making eye level with me. I shook my head. "They'll call my mom and I'll have to stay here longer. I don't want to go to another therapy session. I don't want to talk about my problems or Drew. And how he died in a god-awful car accident cause the driver was freaking drunk." I panted and then I put my head down and the tears had rolled down.

"You weren't supposed to hear that…." I mumbled into my knees.

I didn't want to look at Eli. I couldn't. He probably hated me now. And I understood. But I missed Drew. And I really needed him. He stood up to my homophobes.

"Wh- when did this, uh, accident happen?" Eli whispered not looking at me. I thought back. It seemed so long ago. And it hurt to think about it. I didn't want to think about it more than I had to. I was happy. I had Fiona and she was a great friend, and then Eli. Even though I didn't know him so well… he had seemed to have my back.

"Around the time you came here." I remember. I shook my head. "I just don't get it. Yeah your problems suck, but why would you drink and drive?" I shook my head. There were drinking problems in my family, and I had been drunk before with Anna and Jim but that was beside the point. I hated people who drank away their pain. It just didn't make sense.

Eli had gotten up and had gone behind me. "I don't support this not telling the nurse thing, but I'll help you." He mumbled as he put his hands around me to help me up. His hands had brushed my wraps around my… breast and I slapped him, making him back up into the shelves. He scratched his head and shook his head as well. "What's your fucking deal, man!" He yelled scoffing.

"I'm sorry." I shook my head as I put my hand on my side and left out the closet.

I shook my head as I went to the washroom. Once I was there I unwrapped the wraps around my chest and I looked at my sides, which were still throbbing. I was attacked. Again. I just needed to leave. Luckily my wraps had pins on them. I took the pin and I looked at my breast and I dug onto the side, making it bleed. I had put a tissue on the cut by my breast. Now it hurt, too. Maybe I am a masochist. But I carved an "A" for anger.

**[Then.]**

Anna had already stolen his innocence. What more could you take from him? Adam didn't really know what else to do other than go along with it. He just stopped caring.

Though people started to notice, but he didn't care if people noticed. Adam was already broken by the time he turned thirteen. Now, he was fourteen and already he didn't know what to do with him.

He felt cranky on his period. This why he hated his body so much. Getting his monthly period. Anna had come over that day and had "took care of him". Though he much rather deal with the cramps alone. He had stayed in bed all day. And for a while, he enjoyed being alone. Last time he yelled at Anna she got pissed and told him he needed to grow up and Shutup.

For some reason, sex was always on Anna's mind. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that it was the only type of love she had ever known. Her father liked to have sex with her on the weekends and it had rubbed off on his daughter. Not to mention she was coming of age, as he liked to phrase it.

And the soiled sheets were everywhere and Adam had gotten up and cleaned himself and Anna stayed there. "How are you feeling now?"

Eli had to choose between the truth and the lie. The truth would only cause him more pain, and a lie would save him from more torture. He chose well. "A lot better. Thank you." He turned around and gave her a fake smile.

"Ready?" Anna asked, getting her box out. Adam had sighed and nodded. "Yeah, I'm ready." He sighed as he collapsed on the bed with his head on the pillow. Anna had taken the knife out and started to slowly go from his forehead down to his eyebrow. "This is for body image." Anna whispered. Adam had admitted he didn't like his looks. And the only way they both knew how to deal was with knives.

"Not too hard." Adam whimpered. It actually hurt him. Anna had nodded as she took the knife off and put a tissue over the bleeding spots.

"Where else do you hate?" Anna whispered, bending down.

Adam had taken off his pants. "There." He closed his eyes as Anna smiled and brought the knife lower.

Maybe they were crazy. But this was love for them.

**-Eli. **

You're going to be okay. Was the phrase I had to repeat myself all day. Fuck it. No, I wasn't going to be okay.

"Eli?" Our counselor commented. I nodded, "Yeah, hi. I'm fine." I mumbled looking at the wall to distract myself. My breath began to quicken.

"Are you okay?" She asked me. I looked at her outfit to distract myself. Still too short skirt and her lipstick was bright red. It didn't compliment her reflection.

I laughed as I got up. "You know what I don't get?" I asked, and everyone looked at me wide-eyed. "Why you try so hard, when the fact is, you don't really care for us. We talk about rape, and sex. We talk everything sexual but not about our actual feelings towards it." I shook my head, getting nearer to her.

"And yet, you sit here, in a too short skirt saying, you actually fucking care, but the fact is, you're pissed that Jeremiah won't talk to you because he's hitting on a student." And I regret saying that, because I'm falling hard for that student.

"So now?" I grabbed Fitz by the collar, "You're fucking Fitz. And don't even tell me you're not, cause it's pretty fucking clear."

I laughed a little psychotic.

"When my girlfriend was with me, it took us forever to have sex because for some odd reason, I was terrible. She cried all night after we had it. And then it dawned on me… Did I rape her and not even know it?" I shook my head as I remember the details from our suicide pact.

And everyone asked me: did I rape her? Or did I kill her myself?

I can't even answer these questions.

"Screw this." I told them, letting go of Fitz. "I'm out of here."

I walked down the hall into the gym and past the bleachers to a place where there were punching bags…. I should have worn gloves but screw it. I don't care if I bleed this time.

**[Then.]**

"Okay," Eli sighed as he got his tie ready. His mom met him at the door. "Here." She smiled handing him the flowers. "Thanks," He laughed awkwardly. He hated dances, but Julia had asked him.

So he walked a little ways away to go to her door. No one looked like they were home. Well her mom wasn't home anyways. So, Eli had entered through the door and walked over to the kitchen and put the flower on the counter.

Slowly he walked up the stairs and creep to Julia's room.

For a second he heard noises. And he looked through the creak. And then he saw Mike and Julia. With Mike's big body on top of Julia's.

Eli laughed as he entered the door. "You know, it's actually kind of funny to see your girlfriend and your rival having sex."

In one quick movement Eli launched himself at Mikes bare body and throwing him to the ground and he started punching him. Julia had screamed and tried to pry Eli off of him, but it was no use. Eli was already pissed.

Eli was more than pissed, actually. He was furious. The guy that caused him hell when he was a kid and still does cause him hell fucking his girlfriend? No fucking way. That was not happening.

And then a pair of arms wrapped around Eli and he was taken away and brought back to his house.

Apparently Bullfrog brought Eli's phone and he heard noise and saw what his son was doing.

That was the first night Eli had a panic attack. Julia came over that night and snuck in through his window. Eli didn't even want to talk to her he was still so angry for not killing him. And this was the first time Julia initiated "sexual" acts with Eli.

But Eli didn't know her secret.

Everytime they had sex, Julia always imagined Eli as her brother. That's all he ever was to Julia.

**Haha. I'm evil, right? **

**I have 64 reviews and I wanted to know if we could make it to 70 with this chapter? I really hate asking… but it would REALLY encourage me to keep writing. **

**I would love to hear your theories/thoughts/suspicions.**

**Review?**


	16. Chapter 16

**Holy shit I updated. I'm sorry it's been such a long wait. I am trying. Well I guess I should let you all know (If people are still reading that is) that it's getting down to the last chapters. And I should probably warn you…**

**Someone is going to die. **

**I'm not saying whom but someone is going to die. This chapter was exciting for me to write because you get to know a BIG secret on Adam. ;] And Julia is involved with Adam, too. Should be interesting… Oh, and Clare doesn't have a past in this chapter. I'll explain why later. **

**Anyways. I don't own Degrassi. **

**Reviews would be sweet. (Also sorry if there are tons of grammar mistakes. I was in a hurry.)**

**-Clare. **

"The funeral was nice." My mom told me, her voice distance. I heard laughter in the back and I rolled my eyes. "So, who is at the house?" I asked, my venom of anger dripping with each word. Something fell in the background and I slightly cringed.

"I just have some friends here." My mother said before she went silent. It was like this for a while. I had sighed, knowing she was still talking to me because she felt like she had to.

"You know Clare, I miss you." My mom said and the phone went dead.

I wanted to cry. It was lame, and I know it was, but I hated everything, my depression was taking over me, and I just wanted to hide. Or sleep for a million years because things were starting to pile up and pile up and I didn't really know what to do with it.

"Hey," I heard a familiar voice; I cringed a little. "You okay?" Eli asked me, standing in front of me, smiling a little bit at me. And I had a choice, be honest and come clean, or put on a smile.

"Can we talk?" I asked him, taking his hand and leading him to my room.

Once we were in my room I sat down on my bed and curled up into a tiny ball. Something I did as the kid to hold me together when things were falling apart all around me. I figured I could be myself around Eli. He seemed like the type of person that has been through a lot.

Eli looked around the room and then he sat down on the ground by my bed and folded his legs. "So." He said, his voice light. "What's going on?" He looked over at the clock and he looked back at me. "I have a few minutes before I meet up with my parole officer." He looked away, and curiosity gets the best of me, I had to ask.

"What did you do?" I asked lightly, looking at the floor by his shoes.

He didn't say anything for a second.

"I just did some stuff I'm not proud of." He told me, shrugging. But then he shook his head. "My shit doesn't matter. I'm here, risking my ass, for you." He said seriously and then laughed at me.

I didn't really know how to approach the subject. My mind kept flickering back and forth between Eli and KC. He was my everything- my first everything. You don't forget your first love. And though at times, I didn't want to be with KC, I still loved him, KC was broken, and I always felt like I could help him because he was broken.

"Uhm." I said, looking down and then sighed. "My boyfriend died in an accident." I said, tugging down on my sweater. "And the driver was drunk. It was an instant death." I told Eli. It felt good to let it out, but then it got to me. It was the first time that I officially really said it; KC was dead. He was never coming back.

I always found it funny. Death. You know it as a word, but you never really experience it until someone you love dies.

"I haven't really cried over him yet or anything… I don't feel anything."

I wanted to though. Jeremiah triggered something in me when he kissed me. I was becoming someone bitter, someone I didn't even recognize. I felt dirty, and no matter how many times I tried to scrub off all the scum on me, it was always on there on me.

I looked at Eli and he didn't have any particular facial expression. Then he looked down, and then back up. He had tender eyes this time and spoke slowly, "I'm sorry Clare." He meant it I knew he did. "That's terrible." He said, looking down again. He got up and sat down on the bed next to me.

"I lost someone I loved too." He says, and he smiles a little bit. "This person meant a lot to me." He says. I want to ask who it is, but I didn't because all of a sudden, a sob escaped him and he collapsed on the bed, holding himself together.

It was shocking. I always knew Eli, perceived Eli as someone who was strong. Someone who didn't like people's baggage get to him. But then I added something to my mental list on him; Eli was empathetic. At least to me.

"Eli," I said, putting a hand on his back. "I…." I didn't say anything. I couldn't dare say what I really wanted to say, so instead, I laid right next to him on the bed and grabbed his hand.

"It hurts losing someone you love." He says, and he sat up, and took me with him. "I'm sorry you lost your boyfriend. That's terrible and incredibly not fair at all. The bastard who killed him deserves to die." He breaks down again, and I take his face and hold it in between my hands.

"It does, but its okay…. We have each other." My heart was beating fast as I let him go, sliding to give us space.

I didn't know what I was doing, but I didn't like it. Because I knew that Jeremiah would find out. He always somehow found out. I was truly scared of him.

"Clare?" Eli said, looking down. "I care about you." He said, getting up. His jacket was on the floor and he bent down and picked it up. "I need to go though." He told me, heading by the door. "You don't deserve this." He says. He grabbed my hand, and I went closer to him. "You're a really great person. I don't deserve your friendship."

He smiles a little bit and the room feels like its getting burnt. I feel so guilty. And I have no idea why.

I went closer and ghosted my lips to his, but never going any further.

"People don't deserve a lot of things, but we get it anyway." I said as he walked out the door.

**-Adam. **

I was given my pill, and I swallowed it with my water, dreading today. Therapy was one on one today. One on one conversation always scared me. They were intimidating and sometimes I couldn't help but spill my guts. It never really ended.

"Adam," Fiona came up from behind me and took my hand. I held it for strength. I wasn't sure what were but I really liked it. She made me feel something. I never felt that way about anyone… not even Anna. But we all have our secrets. She had hers, but she didn't seem too keen to tell me.

"Want to go to the common room with me?" I asked, already heading that way and she nodded. There were quite a few people hovering over the TV and hugging the couches. I sat on the ground in the corner. Fiona looked around the room and then sighed as she sat down, too.

"Is there a reason why we're sitting on the ground?" She whispered to me and I laughed a little. Then I felt something like nausea fill up my stomach. I felt sick.

"I'm a transgender. Female to male." I blurted it out. I couldn't keep it in any longer. It was killing me. Fiona didn't say anything.

"What's the punch line?" Fiona shook her head, hair falling in her face. I moved it out of her eyes. "You didn't run." I said mostly to myself and she grabbed my hand.

"No," She laughed a little then rolled her eyes. "I didn't."

So this is what its like to be accepted for what you are. I knew what it felt like and I was scared for it to be taken away.

"There's… there's something else." This was a lot harder. I hadn't told anyone this because I didn't want people to give me "those" eyes. The pity ones. I hated that feeling. It was the worse.

"My brother, my brother died in a car accident. The guy was drunk. My brother and his buddy, KC died instantly."

For a while the only thing I heard was the people around us, and Fiona's silence. She nodded to herself and then looked up at me.

"I had a drinking problem." She shrugged a little. "It was bad before. I just kept drinking to stop the pain, the thoughts… my fears. I drank because it made me feel better… weightless." She couldn't stop talking. "I don't know why I couldn't stop. I just didn't. But you, Adam, having o face the consequences from someone like me, an alcoholic, its not fair."

I didn't know what to think. I wanted to cry, but that wouldn't be cool. I had to have composure for her. Because this was the first time someone was real with me.

As we sat there, I just let her cry. I didn't know what else to do. Why couldn't I cry?

Drew still had all my secrets.

**Then. **

Adam Torres was fourteen. He had his hair chopped off finally and Anna was the one that chopped it. She said he was a lovely boy and that he should show it.

Anna and Adam had been together forever. And they mean that literally. Adam was often manipulated and gave in so many times and he didn't want to. He didn't like being used. He hated her touching him always. He felt dirty and disgusting. No many how many times he had tried to scrub off the scum on him he just couldn't.

The invisible handprints were all over his body.

Its not nice when pretty boys are molested.

Adam paced back and fourth in the bathroom his stomach was being pissy today and so he threw up again. The toilet was like his king and he hated how he felt. He kept brushing his teeth. Everyone was wondering what's wrong with me.

"Why can't I stop?" He yelled as he threw up again.

At dinner that night, he pigged out, having thrown up everything he had to eat everything in sight. It felt so good going down and he just wanted to keep eating and eating.

"Slow down," His mother had snapped at him. He couldn't help it.

Once dinner was over he had gone upstairs and he noticed a plastic bag with a blue box in it. He took it out and noticed the tampons.

This is what he hated about himself. He was stuck in a body where he didn't belong and he didn't want to be here. In himself. That sounded weird but he hated himself a lot.

Now that he thought about it. He hadn't had his period in three months.

So. What was wrong with him?

The next day he had taken his bike down to the drug store, and he bought a pregnancy test.

Once he bought it and brought it back home, he had slammed the door to the bathroom. He quickly ripped the packet open and peed on it. His hand was trembling, and his eyes filled with tears because he truly hated his body.

His body was a cage and he was the bird, trapped and dying to get out.

He got it and waited for his fate. After a while the little blue sign was positive. After putting the test back in its box and placing the box in the drawer he slammed himself against the walls and he kept slamming until Drew finally came upstairs.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" He screamed at his brother. Adam took an old book and dropped it on the top of his head. He had so much anger, more than he could stand.

"Adam!" Drew held Adam still and he was shaking. "What's wrong?" He asked. Adam didn't say anything.

For a while Adam sat on the foot of his bed while Drew fixed up his room. After Drew had taken a small hand towel got it wet and pressed it on Adam's face. The dried blood was getting cleaned off.

"Adam? Hey, take this." He handed him pills for his headache. Adam took them shakily. Once he was finished he lay down on the bed, and Drew curled up next to him. For a little Adam just cried in Drew's shirt.

Even though Drew didn't know what was exactly wrong he still held him. Because Adam was his brother, and Adam was delicate.

The next day Adam took the test and met Anna at their usual spot. Adam didn't say anything, but Anna wrapped her arms around him.

"Something happened." Adam finally said.

"I'm pregnant."

Anna let go of Adam.

"Who's is it?" She asked.

"Yours."

And in that moment, Adam blanked out. Anna had hit him so hard he was knocked down to the ground. Right there in the back of the park, hiding in the trees. Adam was raped and left with a growing baby.

Adam came home late, bloody and broken. He didn't tell his parents, but before he went to bed Drew had come into his room again, lying next to Adam.

"Drew?" Adam whispered in the dark.

"Yeah, Adam?"

"I need you to take me to the abortion center."

Drew didn't say anything for a while after Adam told him that.

"Okay." And the night closed on them.

That morning Adam and Drew went together to Planned Parenthood. Adam requested that he stay in the car until Adam was ready.

"Mind if I sit here?" Adam asked a girl with black hair. "No." The girl sighed. "I'm Adam, by the way." He shook her hand and she nodded.

"Julia Schultz." They sat for a second, completely quiet. "My boyfriend, Eli, doesn't know why I'm here." She was bouncing in her seat from nervousness.

Adam didn't know what to say. So he just sat there.

"I'm sorry." He finally said.

"Me too."

-**Eli.**

"Eli?" I turned around and saw my parole officer. He was leaning against my door and I nodded at him. "Hey boss, what's up?" I asked getting a little nervous as to why he was here.

"We need to talk." He said grumbling a little bit.

"About what?" I asked, and then someone had appeared from behind him.

"About your punishment."

It was detective Jen.

"You killed people Eli." She said.

I paused where I stood.

I was guilty.

Wasn't I?

**I didn't go into Eli's backstory either. Because I am nearing the end and everything will add up in the end I promise. Adam's storyline is a very important part which is why you got more of him. **

**Anyways. If you are still reading this, would you Review and let me know what you thought? **

**Until next time…**

**(Hopefully it wont be as long of a wait.)**


	17. Chapter 17

**Hey I updated! **

**This chapter is short for a reason because it is a filler. But I have a couple more chapters. Eli's chapter is literally so short but SO important. Its another piece to the puzzle. This chapter is also in third person. Not first. **

**Also: CONGRATULATIONS AVALEE FOR PASSING TENTH GRADE. NOW YOU ARE A JUNIOR. This chapter is dedicated to you. **

**I do not own Degrassi. **

**Clare. **

How do you know when you love someone? Clare stared at the ceiling asking herself this question, trying to find an answer but failing. I was making myself mad. There were questions that are left unanswered she had come to conclusion.

Images flashed into her mind and she started to drift.

"_How do you know you love someone?" KC asked, his voice quivering. "I think it's when you can't think of anyone else but them," Clare answered, sitting down on her bed. KC stood before and he broke out into a smile. _

"_I think I love you, then," He said. Clare was a little shocked but she smiled a little bit. There were things that were haunting Clare and she didn't know how to speak them. She was afraid that KC was going to hurt her and she didn't know how to talk to him, how to open up to him. Because something in Clare's mind changed that night she was touched inappropriately. It was like it never went away. People don't realize how much a simple touch can affect someone. _

_A baby can't live without having it's mother- or really anyone, giving it affection. Scientist tested it out once. They left a baby in the nursery at the hospital, only giving it food when it needed it, but the baby died because for twenty-four hours it went without a human's loving touch. What happens when you're touched and you didn't want to be? Could you evaporate and die? The better question is, do you want to? _

_KC and Clare are so young. Their "love" was nothing more than puppy love. Because they wouldn't die for each other but Clare stuck with KC because she didn't want to be alone. And if she had to choose who was going to hurt her it was KC. Not that you really had a choice who physically hurt you. But mentally? She chose KC. _

"_I was molested." _

And Clare woke up.

There was havoc going on outside of Clare's room and for the first time in forever…. She cried. It wasn't really crying but… sobbing. She sobbed because she had been denying that memory for so long. She told someone about it and the person didn't even react. There was something wrong with Clare and she had no idea what it was.

KC had sex with Clare and she didn't want it. He fourteen year old brain couldn't comprehend how powerful sex really is. Because sex isn't just a physical thing… When you have sex you're having it with another person. You're giving yourself to someone else who could totally destroy you in the end. Clare was fourteen and vulnerable. She had no idea what it meant to even masturbate but she had sex at fourteen.

Because you're not having sex with a body but you're having sex with a living soul.

There was a part of that cried for the younger Clare. The one who was touched inappropriately. No one knew what happened and that's the worst part. No one knew and they probably would have cared if they knew. But that's the thing about being molested. You don't tell anybody. Why? Because there is a fear that if you told someone that they would molest you. You're giving such a vulnerable part of yourself away.

There was a reason why she let Jeremiah touch her and kiss her and even going as far as having oral sex with her. She just didn't want to have to fight. She wasn't strong enough to fight for herself. It wasn't because she was masochistic. She didn't like the pain she was just comfortable in it.

A knock at her door made her jump.

"Just a minute." She yelled, getting her jacket and rubbing her face on it, fixing her hair a bit as she stood up going to the door and opening it.

"Someone wants to see you." Jeremiah said, in a monotone voice. He smiled at Clare for a bit and she nodded her head.

"Where?" She asked, and Jeremiah answered, "Eli's room."

And with that Jeremiah closed the door and Clare got herself presentable.

She walked down the hall heading to Eli's room. There were kids surrounding his room. Did he die? She panicked a little bit as she sort of ran towards his room.

Once she got to his room she saw that he was in handcuffs and she was about to ask but a girl answered.

"Detective Jen. You're Clare Edwards?" She asked. Clare nodded.

"He said he wanted to talk to you before we leave." Detective Jen and the rest of her team left the room.

"Let's go!" Jeremiah rushed the kids out of the room and Clare closed the door and she looked at Eli.

"What's going on?" Clare asked, feeling the tears coming back.

"You know when I said that I did some things I wasn't proud of?" Eli said, looking down at the ground, still handcuffed.

"Yes." Clare answered.

"Well…" Eli said, his voice shaking. "I got drunk and drove one night and…. I killed two people." Eli stopped because he started to cry.

"I killed your boyfriend Clare."

There are some moments that you want to repeat in life. The moments where everything seemed to go right for once, Clare was at the moment an hour ago before she passed out. She was happy for once. She felt like it was possible to live. But that's the thing about ghosts. They come back and haunt you and you really can't escape them. Eli was a ghost that Clare was trying to escape and she didn't even know it until this moment.

Clare didn't say anything. She just walked out of the room and walked back towards her room. She didn't say anything. She just walked.

**Adam. **

They weren't sure what they were doing. But all they knew was that for once they both found someone who made them complete. No, they weren't in love, but they were in the process of falling in love.

Fiona was taking the lead, she lay on top of Adam and she started to kiss his torso. Adam ran his hands through her hair. This was something new for Adam. He was giving himself to someone who wanted him as much as he wanted her and he was ashamed of his body for once because that's what it was supposed to be, right? Once you find someone shouldn't it make you feel weightless?

"I'm not ready for sex." Adam whispered.

"Good neither am I." Fiona laughed, kissing him on the lips.

This was new territory for Adam he wasn't sure about it but he liked it.

Fiona sat up and she brought Adam with her.

"How did you know you were a boy?" Fiona asked, grabbing Adam's hand.

There was many ways Adam could answer this but this was the only true answer: "You just know."

They heard a lot of screaming outside of Adam's room. He got up and put a shirt on and he walked out of his room, Fiona trailed behind him.

They walked hand in hand to the chaos and then Adam saw Eli… in handcuffs?

"What's going on?" He asked a kid who was watching Eli being trailed out.

"He apparently killed two kids or something." The kid answered.

"Wait when?" Adam asked, wanting to figure out the mystery that was Eli Goldsworthy.

"I don't know dude." The kid said walking away.

Jeremiah went by Adam and took him into Eli's old room along with Fiona.

"You're now involved." Jeremiah said, looking down and then back up at Adam. "He killed your brother."

Fiona had no idea what was going on. "You had a brother?" She whispered and Adam nodded looking down at the floor feeling light headed. He wanted to pass out because it was all too much for him and there was nothing he had anymore that he could hold onto. Reality was slipping away from him because that's what it what like for him. Adam could never be happy. His life was getting ripped apart.

"Why would you tell a suicidal person that?" He asked Jeremiah that as he slowly walked away. He was walking but he wasn't going anywhere. He couldn't hear what Fiona was asking him. He didn't know that he was being taken away. Apparently Jeremiah wanted him checked out. Fiona kept screaming and Adam couldn't even react to it.

He just wanted to die. To put it simple that's all he wanted. Nothing sounded more pleasant than that.

Adam: pregnant. Adam the boy who had an abortion. Adam the kid who was bullied. Adam the kid who hated himself. Adam the kid with the dead brother. Adam the kid who was being stalked by his own ghosts. Adam the kid who just wanted to die…

**Eli. **

"_I want you to pull the trigger." Julia said giving the gun to Eli. _

_He stared down at it and then nodded… _

**CLIFFHANGER. **

**This chapter as I said before is just a filler. I got a couple more chapters left but this chapter is sort of important. Do not worry. Things will be resolved. **

**REVIEW? **


	18. Chapter 18

Hey guys. Sorry I suck. Hopefully I'll be back soon!

But I've been working on this so here's the next chapter of Collision.

I hear its pretty insightful! ;)

Don't own Degrassi.

I.

Collide.

[Kuh-lahyd]

- verb.

to strike one another or one against the other with forceful impactl come into violent contact; crash.

to clash; conflict.

to cause to collide.

together.

The first thing that they did was put handcuffs on Eli and hauled him to the police car. He didn't look at anyone as kids lined up outside watching him being taken away.

From the window he could see Clare and then Fiona. Those were his friends, he thought, the friends he let down. He couldn't believe it. Too charming, too good looking, too smart, too deceiving for his own good. That's why he destroyed everything he touched. For the first time in his life he felt like crying so that's what he did all the way to the police station. He cried and wore himself out.

They finally woke him up and put him in a cell. They were kind enough to put him without a jail mate. The guard looked at Eli and frowned.

"What did you do?" The jail guard asked and then Eli spoke from the other side, "They think I killed three people." He said.

But the question, the point of his story was this: Did he kill three people? Did he really? When you kill someone its out of wrath and out of malice. Your life must be fucked up if you want to kill three people. But with Eli he never meant to kill those people. He didn't even know two people he supposedly "killed". He was pissed and angry at himself for letting her go. And what did his parents think? Did they believe him? Did even Eli believe himself?

Probably not. But as a parent you're obligated to love your kid no matter how fucked up they are.

"You don't seem like the type." The man said and Eli looked down and nodded, "I know." He wasn't sure what was really going to happen to him either.

The door had swung open and Detective Jen had brought a box and set it down by the guard. Eli noticed his notebooks and a lot of things from home.

"So you did know that Julia was pregnant." Detective Jen flipped throigh the pages of the notebook. And all Eli could do was let her no matter how much it killed him.

"You do know that suicide is a crime?" she said.

"And did you know that they usually put the people who failed suicide in a mental hospital?" Eli spat back and said, "I did my research."

"Why did you lie?" She asks and Eli doesn't say anything.

"Why did you lie?" She says more eagerly now as she gets keys to unlock his jail cell.

"I don't think that's necessary." The guard said.

Detective Jen wasn't even staring at the guard she was looking at Eli.

"I need to know," She said, "Because Julia Schultz was my biological daughter."

II.

They weren't sure what to do. They didn't move. Clare was already worn out from crying, and Adam just didn't have it in him to cry. Fiona was confused and she wanted to help both of them, but she had no idea how. So she watched as Clare was curled up into a ball into the common room and Adam right next to her.

Adam finally spoke up, "You know Eli was the only guy who didn't look at me differently..." He says and then looks at Clare who is not even here anymore. She stuck somewhere else in time.

Clare wasn't sure why she even liked Eli, or better yet, loved Eli. They had barely known each other, but for Clare, you didn't need to know them frontwards and backwards. Because Clare figured you'd spend an eternity getting to know someone you love because that's the best part. But with Eli, he knew her, she felt like. Because there was a part of her that could just trust him.

Jeremiah had come in many times throughout the day to ask Clare what was wrong and she had no idea how to respond. Because there was a part of her that hated Jeremiah, and then there was another part of him that really felt sorry for Jeremiah because of what he said to her the day he kissed her. There was such sadness in the kiss that Clare just didn't know what to do. She closed her eyes now as she thought about this situation.

"Do you really think he killed him?" Adam said looking at Clare's direction. She wasn't even focused anymore, she was about ready to fall asleep when Adam had shook her.

"I don't want to talk about this." She said as she got up and started to walk. People looked at her down the halls, they only had a few weeks left until it was time to go home. Clare wasn't even ready to be packed. But people tried to talk to Clare though she shrugged them off. She didn't want to deal with people.

She had gone to Eli's old room and there was only a few pieces of clothing lying around, she had gone on his bed and curled up there for a moment just inhaling his scent as she rested her eyes for a few moments.

Was this what love felt like? She never was in love. She thought she loved KC but she knew that he never loved her the right way, or loved her in any way. He just wanted her for her body, and she knew that there was more to KC than that, but it was just puppy love. Though Clare never really realized it, but that's how her own father was. Her father loved her mom, but then they split up, and its different now.

In church they always talked about how fathers should treat their daughters right because the first type of love you get is from your father, and your father carves the path for your future relationships because its your first time of being loved by... a man. And Clare knew that her father loved her, and he always cared for her, but then things changed and he distanced himself from everyone.

Love runs dry.

Though deep down, even though he isn't married to Helen there is still love there. It never really goes away. They leave that mark on you, and they keep you there, like a scar.

Clare had gotten up and gone back to the common room and went to Adam and then pulled him into a hug, and then so did Fiona, they hugged for a while and then Clare said, "We need to see him."

"For closure."

They agreed.

III.

In the darkness of Jeremiah's office he sits at his chair fuming. There is drawers and drawers of tools and pills to use, he knows how they all work, and he knows how to mix just the right amount to kill someone...

Review?


	19. Chapter 19

**So wow, it's been a while since I've updated this story. It's currently midnight as I write this. I wrote the first half like a few weeks ago but I got a writing block midway through. And then I was thinking about Eli and Mike and how they were enemies, and how Mike bullied him, and then I thought of the ongoing storyline of Julia and Eli and their... "romance" if you could call it that. And then it hit me. I guess you'll see it later in the story. Also, give Detective Jen a chance... there's a lot more to her than you think. **

**I hope you enjoy this chapter. There's going to be a lot more Jeremiah in the later last chapters... um, he's going to do something to someone, a man character, and it won't end... well. **

**Reviews are appreciated. **

**I don't own Degrassi.**

**- Eli.**

The process is long. They keep interviewing him and all he wants to do is sleep everything off. He sighs as he goes in for another interview. His parents are in the other room; they're looking through the glass. CeCe is distressed, Bullfrog is holding back tears. No one ever things their son did something wrong, bad, harmful to someone. But the thing is, did Eli really pull the trigger? Did he really murder three people? That's what they want to know, even Eli wants to know, and he is the one being punished.

"How long had Julia been wanting to kill herself?" One of the detectives says. Eli doesn't like talking about this. He doesn't like talking about suicide. Sure, he thinks about death all the time, but he would never actually do it unless things got pretty bad. It has to be THAT bad to actually attempt suicide. And that's the thing that hurt Eli the most that it was that bad for Julia. It was that hard to live. When you wake up in the morning, and the hurting is so great, not wanting to get out of bed to face this whole world of hate. It's not easy to get out of bed. It's not easy to live either. But people still do get out of bed, they still live because they have to live, they have to keep fighting. But not with Julia.

She was selfish and she was conceited, she only cared for herself, but on the other hand, she was vulnerable. She had issues far greater than she was and the sum of her parts. She had a boyfriend who loved her, and even though the Goldsworthy's weren't her family, they might as well have been. They took good care of her. But right when Eli sped up with her, she would go miles behind or in front of him. No matter how many times people tried to love her she wouldn't have it. There were so many things in her brain that weren't right that one day, she woke up and decided that she didn't want to live.

Eli knew this. He knew her dark fantasies. But to him they were just fantasies. They talked about killing each other together all the time and that's how they bonded. They desperately loved each other in such a heat of a moment kind of way. Their romance was made out of pity and broken scarred up photographs and long lost cards. They were the Monday morning, and the Friday night. Both good and bad. Julia was all days of the week for Eli, while Eli was the 12:01 Monday morning. He watched Julia live her life from afar and watched her be who she wanted to be. He had thought about it, thought about doing it with her, but in the end, it all came down to Julia doing everything alone.

She was born in this world alone, and a tragedy, she'd end herself as one, as well.

Some say that Eli deserved better, and they were probably right. But to Eli, he loved too fucking hard, and he kept everything in but told everything to Julia. She cared for him, she wasn't always so impulsive and a bitch to him. She cared about Eli's feelings; it's just that sometimes hers were just as great as they were. Eli always though that he needed her more than she needed him. When really, it was her that needed him more than he needed her. It was all-confusing. They had a whirlwind romance that was just a breath of fresh air, but then it got cold and you tasted that bitter dagger of the cold air.

"For a while." Eli says and he looks down at the table. Detective Jen told everyone to leave the room as she sat down in front of him. "You know, its not that I didn't want her." She said with a grimace.

"I put her up for adoption because I figured she'd have a happier life. Before this, I was a screwed up sixteen year old. I had no life, no plan, and I couldn't handle a baby." She said and Eli shrugs.

Julia and Eli had talked about their adoption quite a bit. Julia didn't care who the fuck you were, if you were stupid enough to have unprotected sex, then you shouldn't have to make your baby suffer just because you suffered. Every baby needs a mom and a dad, or at least one or the other. Julia's opinions differed from everyone else's, she was often hated but she loved that. She loved that she struck chords and made people not like her. She was noticed. That was all she wanted.

"I can't handle the breakfast here every morning, but you know, I still eat it." Eli deadpanned. He knew that it was different circumstances, he was just pissed and he hated talking about this shit.

Detective Jen had sighed in frustration as she left the room. Eli waited there in the silence.

She leaves for a while and then comes back with someone else. "This is your lawyer." She sighs and then massages her temples.

"You have got to be the worst out of all the people I have ever investigated." Detective Jen says, and then adds, "And that's saying a lot. I've investigated murders and rapists," She says and then sits down on the seat as his lawyer looks at some records.

"I guess pleading insanity is out of the question." Eli says closing his eyes, thinking about Clare and then feeling like he's cheating on Julia.

The worst part was: no matter how much their romance, between Julia and Eli, he was the one who loved more. Sure, Julia loved Eli, would do anything for him, but in the most innocent way: in a brotherly way. She just never told him that. The worst part of the whole ordeal was that she was in love with Mike, and she had no idea why she loved him. But she couldn't hurt Eli in the process. Julia fucked Mike because it was easy, and there didn't have to be strings attached, even though every time they fucked, Julia fell more in love with Mike.

Because even after the horrible things Mike did to Eli, he was still Mike, no one knew his past, only Julia did and that's why she stayed with Eli, because she was conflicted between loving Mike and loving Eli. It couldn't be a love triangle because at the end of the day Julia was stuck with Eli forever. A part of her couldn't stop loving Eli, but the more dominant part would forever want Mike. That was the beauty of unrequited love, and knowing that you love someone and they love you but you can't do anything about it, it was the true definition of skinny love.

And the sick part is, Eli knew it.

"I need out of here, before I throw up." Eli said feeling the bile rise up his throat. Detective Jen grabbed him by the arm and they went outside near the back. They had an officer stand by, but they gave them privacy.

Eli had slumped against the wall and pulled his knees up to his chest and resting his head on his knees. "Fuck." He said and then ran his hands through his hair. "Fuck." He couldn't think about it. He couldn't think about everything.

"_I wonder how long it would take you to die from plant poisoning." Says Julia one night. They're lying in Eli's bed, its dark, and no hint of light. They had just finished having sex and Eli is still a bit excited. He closes his eyes and tries to calm himself down, his hand goes to the band of her underwear, but he doesn't go any farther. _

"_I don't know, I never thought about it I guess," Eli says shrugging and Julia grabs his hand, "You never thought about death?" She says and she turns on her back away from him, shrugging off his hand. _

"_Yeah, I do, I guess. I don't really... get why we're talking about it though." He says and then Julia laughs. _

"_I just always wondered. Dogs and cats just get sick, and sometimes they die. I don't want to be sick and die. I just want to... die, you know?" She whispers and Eli is wide eyed in the middle of the night. _

"_Yeah," he says and then grabs her and pulls her close. "Lets try to talk about deep things instead of this light shit." He says teasingly and then rests his head on her pillow and closes his eyes, enjoying this moment. But Julia is unresponsive to his touch. She always is. _

"_Okay," she says after he's fallen asleep._

"Eli," Detective Jen is sitting next to him now, holding out a cigarette. He takes it, taking a drag and then closes his eyes, passing it back.

"Tell me about her," Detective Jen says.

Eli looks at her and then raises an eye. "No way. You're still on the clock." He says leaning his head against the wall.

Detective Jen grabs her phone and then looks at the clock.

"Five, four, three, two, one. My shift is done. Talk." She says raising an eyebrow.

"Aren't you trying to put me in jail?" Eli says.

Jen doesn't say anything.

She thinks about it for a moment and then really thinks: Julia loved this boy, there must be some redeeming qualities, and other than this sarcastic asshole facade he had going on here. She doesn't know why she's trying to find out, maybe its just the fact that its her daughter that died, and she gave her up because she wanted her to be safe, and wanted her to be happy. There's nothing worse than finding out the daughter you gave up for adoption killed herself because she was unhappy with her life. You really failed as a parent right there, she thinks as she takes her big jacket off and places her badge by the jacket and then she looks at the boy next to her now. Jen is only in her late twenties. She hasn't been out on a date in forever; no one wants to be around her because of how intimidating she is. She had Julia out of rape and that's why she wanted to get into the business to find out the truth about it. She didn't know why she fucking cared so much about the boy next to her. She figured that's why she was such a bitch to Eli, because she wanted to know the boy as Julia knew him. There had to be some good to him.

"No. I'm... I'm trying to help you." Jen whispers.

She looks at the entrance doors and knows that he's going to have to go soon.

"You're doing a shit job at showing it," he says grabbing a cigarette from the box. "Light me," he sighs and she gets her lighter, rolling the wheel until it lights.

"She... she destroyed everything she touched. She ruined me because she could. She fell in love with someone who would completely destroy her in the end. She did it because she wanted to hurt me and she wanted to hurt him. She did it because that was the thing she could control because she knew that we were both in love with her so she used us in that way. I knew about the baby, but I kept quiet about it, acted like it wasn't mine because well, it wasn't mine. It was his. She didn't want to tell Mike about it because she knew that if Mike found out he wouldn't be Mike anymore. He'd change his whole life for her like I would. I loved her more, you know," he says looking at Jen, "But Mike needed her more."

Jen processes the information and then says, "It was a closed adoption. I didn't want our lives to pass because I didn't want her to see me like this." She says and then looks at the boy.

"I'm going to try to save you now." She says as the guard's come and takes Eli away to go to his cell.

**Adam, Clare, Fiona.**

It was near the end of everyone's time here at the facility. Clare knew this because everyone seemed a bit happier and the therapists were a bit less tense than usual.

In the corner of the gym, Fiona and Clare and Adam were huddled over notebooks trying to find a way to escape this place to see Eli. Because out of all three of them, Clare and Adam needed closure, that way they could get past this death, this tragedy they had in their life.

"There are cameras everywhere besides here." Adam says to Clare and she nods looking all of the notes and all the possible places to escape.

"I suppose this isn't some awesome ass kicking movie where going through the vents solves everything?" Fiona suggests and Adam takes her hand and shakes his head. "Afraid not." He says and Fiona looks down at her notes.

"I'm aloud to leave," Clare says and they write that down. "I could... try to sneak a car, from Cora...?" Clare suggests, trying to figure out a way to steal the car keys. Cora was always running around the facility, it was rare when Clare actually had a chance with her alone without being interrupted.

"Okay," Adam says, "That's great Clare that you can get out, but what about us?" He asks and Clare nods her head.

"I'm figuring that part out." She says looking around the gym for anything.

"And... There's Jeremiah." Fiona adds and Clare closes her eyes.

"Can we not talk about him please? I want to vomit every time he's mentioned." Clare says looking at her notes once more and then feels something of excitement and fear.

"I have an idea. But... it could be risky," Clare says thinking about it once more before saying anything.

"We're going to need Mark Fitzgerald."

**Dun dun dun...**

**Until next time. I apologize for the lateness.**

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**(I'd appreciate it.)**


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